ANYTOWN, USA – In a groundbreaking shift in labor relations, American workers nationwide are championing a new "fair-steal" legislation, following the moral compass of Michael Cohen, who under oath admitted to skimming a neat $30,000 from Donald Trump. According to Cohen, this was merely a proactive "bonus" for services under-appreciated by his employer.
The proposed law, cheekily dubbed "Finders, Keepers", would allow employees to legally claim "forgotten bonuses" from petty cash, office supplies, or the CEO’s private liquor cabinet, provided they felt undervalued by their paycheck. “If our bosses won’t show us the money, we sure know where to find it,” said a barista from Brooklyn, currently drafting a workers’ manifesto while sipping a pilfered espresso.
In a surprising turn of testimony, Cohen likened his financial maneuverings to “a waitress pocketing silverware because a diner skimped on the tip.” This analogy has ignited a fiery debate on workplace ethics, with one side arguing that stealing is stealing, while the other claims "You gotta get that bread somehow."
Meanwhile, Todd Blanche, Trump’s attorney, expressed shock at the courtroom confession, suggesting Cohen might have misunderstood the concept of "bonus" versus "felony." Blanche has proposed a new line of educational tools, including flashcards to help distinguish between "Your Money" and "Not Your Money."
Tech company Red Finch, unwittingly dragged into the saga due to Cohen’s creative accounting, issued a statement: "We thought ‘creative financing’ was just a buzzword. Now we lock our doors whenever accountants are near."
As the story unfolds, a grassroots movement has sprouted, with workers across the nation hosting "Fair-Steal" rallies. The events feature motivational speakers, lock-picking workshops, and swap meets for gently used office supplies. “It’s not just about taking," explained a spokesperson, adjusting her 'liberated' company hoodie. "It’s about redistributing the under appreciation we feel. It’s like Robin Hood, but everyone’s wearing a tie."
At press time, legal experts debated whether the "Fair-Steal" law could indeed be enforced, with one seasoned lawyer suggesting, “Maybe let’s just start with better wages and call it a day?” However, American workers seem to prefer the thrill of the heist, proving once again that truth, justice, and the American way are always open to interpretation.
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