From Trigger Warnings to Wedding Rings: The Ultimate Woke Union - "Mr. Has Been" Marries "Miss Never Was".
Move over, Romeo and Juliet—there's a new couple in town, and they're about to redefine what it means to be "woke." That's right, folks. The outspoken host of "The View," Joy Behar, and the grizzled, once-upon-a-time silver screen sensation, Robert De Niro, have tied the knot in what can only be described as a ceremony bursting with social justice jargon and more virtue signaling than a United Nations convention.
The wedding, held at a vegan, gluten-free, zero-waste retreat, was the epitome of woke perfection. The bride and groom exchanged vows written in non-binary, inclusive language, ensuring no feelings were harmed in the process. Joy, dazzling in her recycled hemp gown, and Robert, dapper in his fair-trade tuxedo, pledged their commitment to each other and to dismantling every societal construct they could name before the organic, locally-sourced appetizers were served.
Sources close to the couple say their romance blossomed during a shared outrage at an insufficiently diverse movie casting. One can only imagine their first date: a protest march against culturally appropriative sushi rolls, followed by a candlelit dinner of sustainably-harvested quinoa and hand-foraged mushrooms. Joy reportedly swooned when Robert compared her to a "feminist icon wrapped in a rainbow flag," and Robert was smitten when Joy declared that his past roles, "while toxically masculine," had a certain "retro, problematic charm."
Their shared love for progressive causes fueled their whirlwind romance. Weekend getaways weren't to beach resorts but to seminars on decolonizing diet culture and intersectional allyship workshops. The couple's social media feeds quickly became a competitive arena of woke one-upmanship, with Robert posting a teary-eyed selfie at a climate strike only for Joy to follow up with a video of her tearfully hugging a statue of Karl Marx.
When it came time to pop the question, Robert did so in true woke fashion—during a Black Lives Matter rally, with a ring made from repurposed protest signs. Joy, naturally, said yes, provided they sign a pre-nup ensuring neither of them ever votes anything but left of Bernie Sanders.
Their nuptials were nothing short of a woke wonderland. The guest list read like a who's who of Twitter activists, with everyone from that guy who does spoken word poetry about systemic oppression to the influencer who’s been canceling people since 2014. The ceremony featured a land acknowledgment, a trigger warning, and a moment of silence for every marginalized community on Earth, in alphabetical order.
In lieu of gifts, the couple asked for donations to every underfunded progressive cause imaginable, from Free the Soybeans to Whales with Pronouns. The wedding cake, a towering, gluten-free masterpiece, was cut while the newlyweds discussed the problematic nature of traditional marriage.
As they embark on this journey together, one thing is clear: Joy Behar and Robert De Niro are a woke match made in heaven. They've already announced plans for their honeymoon—a month-long, carbon-neutral trip around the world to apologize for America's past mistakes. Here's to the happy couple—may their love be as enduring as their commitment to social justice, and may their Twitter feeds never be without a righteous cause to champion.
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