WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a bold move to address the nation's healthcare crisis, the government has unveiled its latest initiative: "Insurance for All, Citizenship Optional." Under this new program, every citizen must prove they have insurance, but proving citizenship is strictly optional. In fact, the government is so committed to inclusivity that those who refuse or are unable to prove their citizenship will receive free insurance, generously funded by the tax dollars of those who must pay for their own.
"This is a historic day for America," announced Senator Schumer a leading proponent of the plan. "No longer will the burden of healthcare fall solely on the shoulders of the insured citizens. Instead, we will spread it evenly across everyone, especially those who aren't technically citizens."
The program is already being hailed as a triumph of modern governance. Imagine the scene: John Smith, a hardworking American, dutifully stands in line at the DMV to renew his driver's license. He's asked to provide proof of insurance, proof of residence, and proof of citizenship. Meanwhile, in the next line, a recent visitor from parts unknown, is handed a shiny new insurance card, no questions asked. John, naturally, foots the bill for both.
Critics have pointed out that this approach might be somewhat unfair to actual citizens, but proponents quickly dismissed these concerns as old-fashioned. "Fairness is an outdated concept," said Representative Cortez.. "We are moving towards a more inclusive society where everyone, regardless of their paperwork or lack thereof, can enjoy the fruits of our collective labor."
Under the new policy, taxpayers will also enjoy the thrill of funding healthcare for non-citizens. "It's like a mystery grab bag," explained one enthusiastic bureaucrat. "You never know whose insurance you're paying for, but doesn't that just add to the excitement?"
The absurdity doesn't stop there. The program also includes a revolutionary new tax incentive for those who identify as uninsured but over-insured. This groundbreaking category allows individuals to receive multiple insurance plans without ever having to show proof of a single premium payment.
Political analysts have noted that this plan is part of a broader strategy to create a utopian society where everyone is equal, especially those who contribute the least. "It's the ultimate democratic dream," gushed one commentator. "A place where your contributions are irrelevant, but your entitlements are endless."
As the program rolls out, expect to see heartwarming stories of community and generosity. Citizens will come together to ensure that those who can't—or won't—prove their citizenship can still enjoy the benefits of a healthcare system they didn't pay into. It's the American dream reimagined, where everyone gets a slice of the pie, especially if they didn't bring anything to the table.
So, brace yourselves, America. The future is here, and it's insuring everyone, no matter where they're from, as long as they're not from here.
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