Hunter Biden’s record is now cleaner than Joe’s ice cream bowl after dessert
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning (but not really) turn of events, President Joe Biden officially pardoned his son Hunter Biden this week, despite months of adamantly proclaiming, “No one is above the law — not even my son.” This proclamation was, of course, enthusiastically parroted by the media and used as a rallying cry to justify the DOJ’s unrelenting pursuit of President Biden’s political opponent, Donald Trump, and his supporters. But as the election dust settled, Biden delivered the ultimate plot twist: “No one is above the law… unless, of course, your name is Hunter Biden.”
The presidential pardon, famously dubbed the "Hunter's Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Act of 2024," has sent shockwaves across the nation—or, rather, triggered an expected chorus of “We saw this coming.” Here's a breakdown of the four hilariously absurd observations of Biden’s magnanimous pardon:
Hunter Biden (and His Laptop Full of “Family Memories”)
When Biden promised that “no one is above the law,” what he really meant was “no one whose name isn’t Hunter Biden.” It’s a simple linguistic misunderstanding, really. The confusion is entirely on us. You see, in Bidenese—a dialect of political doublespeak—“no one” translates directly to “everyone except my son who sometimes forgets to pay his taxes, borrows cash from foreign nationals, hires an army of ‘personal wellness consultants’ (read: prostitutes), experiments with more substances than a 1970s rock band, and leaves incriminating laptops at Delaware repair shops like he’s participating in some kind of federal scavenger hunt.”
This interpretation is further bolstered by Biden’s footnote during the pardon announcement, where he clarified: “No one is above the law unless they share my DNA or my ice cream. For the rest of all the non-Hunters? The law is still in full force. Jaywalk in front of the White House, and you’ll have Merrick Garland kicking down your door faster than you can say “Burisma.”
Biden’s Expanding Ancestral Tree (Now Including Elizabeth Warren)
Ah, but the plot thickens. After an exhaustive 12-hour investigation by Ancestry.com and 23andMe, it turns out “no one” also excludes the entire Biden family tree. That’s right, folks—the Super Biden Pardon has now been extended to cover a whopping 4,351 relatives. The list includes his wife Jill, his son Hunter, his daughter Ashley, his brothers James and Francis, and even that one uncle nobody likes but who always brings good potato salad to family gatherings.
Shockingly, the DNA trail even led to Senator Elizabeth Warren, who recently discovered she is 0.0000000000000000002% Biden. Upon learning this, Warren immediately issued a statement proclaiming: “I am proud to be included in the Biden clan. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a few things from 1994 I’d like to clear up.”
And don’t worry—it’s not just living relatives who are covered. Biden’s pardon extends to several long-deceased family members, including his great-great-grandfather “Corn Pop” McGillicuddy Biden, whose grave has now been officially cleared of all Prohibition-era bootlegging charges.
The Super Biden Pardon – Covering Infractions of the Past, Present, and Future
But wait, there’s more! The Super Biden Pardon isn’t your ordinary get-out-of-jail-free card. No, this presidential masterpiece applies retroactively, proactively, and even preemptively. It’s not just a pardon; it’s the legal equivalent of an all-you-can-eat buffet where the menu includes every law ever written, broken, or even vaguely considered breaking.
This sweeping pardon doesn’t just clear Hunter's alleged crimes like tax fraud and money laundering—it even covers crimes Hunter hasn’t thought of committing yet. One D.C. insider described it as “the Swiss Army knife of corruption absolution.”
Liberal favorites are, of course, included in the package: bribery, lying under oath, sexual impropriety, selling influence to foreign governments, misplacing nuclear secrets in sock drawers—you name it. It even covers non-criminal activities, like sniffing strangers’ hair or Hunter’s inexplicable career as an amateur painter.
The International Edition – Covering China, Ukraine, and Migrants Who “Voted Correctly”
The cherry on top? This pardon isn’t just an American affair—it’s gone global! Biden’s announcement also includes a clause extending the Super Biden Pardon to foreign leaders and key allies. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, Chinese Communist Party officials, and even Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau are reportedly “thrilled” to know they’re now safe from scrutiny—provided they donate generously to the Hunter Biden Art Fund.
But wait, there’s an even more bizarre twist: Biden’s pardon has also been extended to illegal immigrants—but only if they voted for him in 2020. This “Pardon for Patriots” program has already sparked confusion at the border, where one migrant was overheard asking, “Do I get my Social Security card and a Biden bumper sticker with this deal?”
Final Take: Hunter’s Law is Greater Than the Rule of Law
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s official: “no one” is the new “everyone I like.” President Biden has shattered records with this unprecedented Super Pardon, proving once and for all that nepotism isn’t just alive in Washington—it’s thriving.
But hey, if you’re feeling left out, don’t worry. Rumor has it Ancestory.com is running a holiday special. Who knows? You might be just one saliva sample away from discovering you, too, are a long-lost Biden. And with that, you’ll be covered for any crimes you may or may not commit in the next 30 years.
God Bless America, and God Save Hunter Biden’s laptop. No one is above the law… except, of course, the no ones who matter.
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