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Writer's pictureThe Elephant

MUSING: Oberlin College’s New Curriculum: Advanced Shoplifting and Social Justice 101

Forget what you thought you knew about right and wrong—Oberlin College in Ohio is here to school you on the finer points of social justice. Case in point: the 2016 Great Wine Heist at Gibson’s Bakery.


Picture this: a quaint, family-owned bakery that’s been serving the local college town for generations. Enter stage left, a Black student with a taste for fine wine and a flair for under-the-shirt concealment. The bakery owner and his son, both white, spot the suspiciously bottle-shaped bulge and spring into action. A chase ensues, culminating in an altercation involving two more Black students. The police arrive, and the trio is arrested, later pleading guilty to misdemeanors.


Cue the applause, Justice served? Not For Oberlin College.


Instead, the college erupted in a Woke-a-palooza of epic proportions. Students, seemingly inspired by a blend of Robin Hood and Twitter rage, accused the bakery of racial profiling and discrimination. They organized massive protests, chanting slogans and holding signs with more fervor than a Broadway chorus line. Administrators, perhaps mistaking the campus for a cozy campfire, supplied the protesters with pizza and winter gear, encouraging them to continue their crusade against the bakery’s audacity to stop theft.


David Gibson, the bakery owner, lamented, “It took generations to build our reputation, and in one day, it was shattered.” All because they dared to question a student’s five-finger discount on wine. Gibson’s Bakery saw a devastating 50% drop in revenue overnight. Talk about a sour grape.


But, in this modern fable, there’s a twist in the tale. Gibson’s Bakery didn’t just sit back and take the pummeling. They lawyered up and took Oberlin to court, suing for defamation. In a plot twist worthy of a courtroom drama, Gibson’s Bakery won a settlement exceeding $30 million. Turns out, standing up to shoplifters and overzealous college administrators pays off—literally.


So, the next time you find yourself in Oberlin, remember to check out their newest courses: Advanced Shoplifting and Social Justice 101. Just make sure to grab your snacks and winter wear before class starts—you never know when a protest might break out.


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