Nothing screams "future CEO material" like a degree in the latest and greatest academic inventions of our time. NYU, always on the cutting edge, has recently produced a graduating class armed with some of the most avant-garde degrees imaginable. Let's dive into this cornucopia of absurdity and have a good laugh at what $328,380 can buy you these days.
Creative Spaces of Erasure and Exposure of the Queer: Because understanding how to erase and expose queer spaces is apparently crucial for modern-day survival. These graduates are now experts at simultaneously erasing and highlighting queer spaces, a skill that’s absolutely invaluable... somewhere, surely.
The Study of Indigenous Politics: Graduates of this program can now expertly navigate the political landscapes of indigenous communities. They have become the go-to consultants for any and all indigenous political matters... which they will encounter approximately never in their future minimum wage jobs.
Series of the Monstrosity of People: No, this isn’t a Netflix special. It’s an actual degree. These brave scholars study the monstrosity inherent in humanity, probably to better understand the world after four years of monstrous student loans.
Living Artfully: Ah, yes. Learning how to live like you’re in an Instagram filter. These graduates have perfected the art of “living artfully,” which means they can now arrange avocado toast like nobody’s business. Employers are surely lining up for this skill.
Fashion History as it Applies to Gender Studies: Because what every company needs is someone who can critique the gender implications of 18th-century petticoats. Imagine the boardroom meetings: “Yes, but what would Marie Antoinette wear?”
I Am Woman: Searching for Identity: Empowerment meets existential crisis in this degree. These graduates are now professional identity searchers, a skill that will serve them well when they’re searching for jobs that don’t exist.
Puppet Studies: It’s not just for Muppets anymore. Graduates can now proudly say they know everything about puppets, from string manipulation to the socio-political impact of Kermit the Frog.
Appreciating Modern Music: Finally, someone who can tell us why that one song on the radio is a work of art. This degree program trains students to appreciate modern music... which is great, except no one needs to pay six figures to know why Taylor Swift is awesome.
Understanding the Psychological Makeup in Food: Yes, food has feelings too. This degree delves deep into the psyche of your dinner, uncovering the emotional trauma of your salad and the existential dread of your dessert.
Protesting for Purpose: When they’re not busy mastering their intricate degrees, students find meaning in life through protesting. From saving the squirrels to banning plastic straws, these protests are the only thing keeping them sane between frat parties and term papers on the socio-economic impact of TikTok.
As America foots the bill for these scholarly escapades, it's clear we’re not just funding education; we're financing a four-year vacation from reality. While parents work overtime, students learn the critical life skills of holding a protest sign and analyzing the patriarchy’s role in early 90s grunge music.
At the end of the day, let’s not kid ourselves. The $328,380 spent on these degrees is essentially a down payment on a lifetime of asking, “Would you like fries with that?” But hey, at least they can philosophize about it in an artfully living, puppet-friendly, queer-exposing space. Cheers to the future of higher education!
NYU Gallatin Class of 2023: https://x.com/EndWokeness/status/1797595395465638109?t=79EzpmWrpFF26YxKm9b9kw&s=19
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