The new national motto: In Feelings We Trust, Facts Optional!
In a bold and historic move, Congress has passed the “Pronoun Protection Act of 2024,” officially making the misgendering of individuals a federal hate crime punishable by up to 10 years in prison and a mandatory semester of Gender Studies at a local community college.
The landmark legislation was signed into law during a star-studded ceremony on the White House lawn, with celebrities like Demi Lovato, Sam Smith, and an emotional Kermit the Frog—who now identifies as an amphibian-fluid icon—in attendance. President Biden, fresh off his most recent nap, called the law “the most important thing since, uh, you know, the thing.”
A Safer, More Inclusive World
Supporters of the legislation argue that it’s a necessary step toward eradicating what they call “linguistic violence.” “Misgendering isn’t just a slip of the tongue,” said Congresswoman Aimee Woke (she/her), author of the bill. “It’s basically a verbal assault with intent to harm. If you call someone ‘he’ when they’ve explicitly stated their pronouns are ‘glitter/galaxy,’ you might as well be throwing bricks at them.”
Critics of the law, including several constitutional scholars and anyone with common sense, argue that criminalizing pronoun mistakes violates free speech. “This is ridiculous,” said one anonymous senator, who now fears prosecution for saying “you guys” at last week’s staff meeting. “What’s next? Ten years for forgetting someone’s favorite ice cream flavor?”
Real-Life Consequences
The first arrest under the Pronoun Protection Act occurred just hours after it became law. Bob Thompson, a 63-year-old mechanic from Kansas, was taken into custody after mistakenly referring to his coworker, Jordan Sparkles (they/them/their majesties), as “she” while handing over a wrench. The FBI’s Pronoun Enforcement Unit (PEU) swarmed Thompson’s garage in full tactical gear, confiscating not only his tools but also his copy of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn—a known trigger text.
“I didn’t mean no harm,” Thompson pleaded as he was dragged to a waiting Prius squad car wrapped in a rainbow flag. “I thought Jordan was a lady! I mean, they were wearing dangly earrings and—wait, I can’t say ‘they’ either?!”
Authorities confirmed Thompson faces the maximum sentence and will likely be incarcerated in a “Woke Detention Facility,” complete with vegan meals, drag queen story hours, and daily diversity seminars.
A Compliance Nightmare
The law has already sent shockwaves through corporate America. HR departments nationwide are scrambling to implement mandatory pronoun training modules, including tests where employees must recite sentences like, “Ze brought zir own coffee to the meeting” without laughing.
Starbucks has introduced new uniform name tags featuring up to 57 available pronoun options. However, activists are criticizing the company for failing to include pronouns from fictional languages like Klingon and Elvish. “It’s blatant erasure of nerd culture,” said one protester who identified as “Frodo/shireling.”
Not Everyone Is Thrilled
Predictably, some legal experts and comedians have raised concerns about enforcement. “How do you prove intent in a pronoun-related hate crime?” asked attorney Blake Wordsworth. “Is the FBI going to wiretap conversations to catch people calling a ‘zir’ a ‘he’?”
Meanwhile, comedians like Dave Chappelle are reportedly fleeing the country, fearing their mere existence could lead to life sentences under what critics are calling “The Death of Humor Act.”
A Glimpse of the Future
While the law’s supporters are celebrating, skeptics warn it’s only the beginning. Rumors are swirling that Congress is drafting a companion bill requiring everyone to wear pronoun badges at all times, with violations punishable by exile to California.
But for now, Americans are adjusting to this brave new world. As one supporter triumphantly declared, “If you can’t get someone’s pronouns right, maybe you deserve 10 years to think about it. Words have consequences.”
Meanwhile, Bob Thompson is still awaiting trial, though he claims to have learned his lesson. “From now on,” he said, “I’ll just call everyone ‘buddy.’ Hopefully, that’s still legal.”
Disclaimer:
The Pronoun Protection Act is purely fictional and exists only in the satirical imagination of this article. However, if Kamala Harris and Joe Biden had their way, this could very well be our reality—so check your pronouns... they still have a few days left in office.
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