Ah, Michigan. Land of the lakes, cherries, and apparently, democratic dystopia! As if the 2020 election circus wasn't enough, Michigan’s Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson has taken it upon herself to ensure that the Great Lakes State's are about as transparent as a brick wall. If you think you’re about to step into a free and fair election in 2024, I’ve got a bridge in Detroit to sell you.
Let’s cut to the chase: Jocelyn Benson is nothing less than a modern-day manifestation of the Gestapo, hell-bent on enforcing her radical agenda with a side of intimidation tactics that would make even Heinrich Himmler blush. You think I'm exaggerating? Well, grab your popcorn, because this list is juicier than a cherry picked fresh from Traverse City.
Poll Challengers? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Poll Challengers!
In a move straight out of the Gestapo playbook, Benson had the audacity to declare that poll challengers—yes, those pesky folks who have the nerve to ask questions about the integrity of our elections—would be kicked out of counting rooms if they dared to ask one too many questions. You see, in Benson’s Michigan, curiosity doesn’t kill the cat; it gets the cat banned from the counting room! Thankfully, a judge later overturned this unconstitutional absurdity, but the message was clear: Shut up, or get out.
Cleaning Up Voter Rolls? More Like Sweeping Fraud Under the Rug!
Benson would have you believe she's working tirelessly to clean up Michigan’s voter rolls. Sure, and I’m the Tooth Fairy. The truth? Benson’s so-called cleanup efforts are about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. The voter rolls are dirtier than ever, with phantom voters popping up like dandelions in springtime. But don't take my word for it—just ask the thousands of ineligible registrations certified under her watch.
Signature Matching? Not on Benson’s Watch!
In a brazen attempt to dismantle the last shreds of election integrity, Benson directed city clerks to ignore signature matching on absentee ballots. You know, the very thing that keeps fraudsters from casting votes for dead people and Disney characters. A judge later called out this blatant disregard for the law, but hey, what’s a little judicial scolding when you’re on a mission from George Soros, am I right?
Turning a Blind Eye to Fraud? It’s a Full-Time Job!
Remember the GBI Strategies scandal? The one involving illegal ballot registration on an industrial scale? Yeah, Benson doesn’t either. She conveniently ignored it, just like she ignored the hundreds of reported cases of individuals voting multiple times. And those 48,000 non-legal voter registrations at trailer parks and apartments? Consider them rubber-stamped by Benson’s office. The motto? If it’s fraud, it’s welcome here!
Snitch on Your Neighbor – Michigan’s Newest State Hobby
Now, Benson's gone full Stasi on us. This weekend, she sent out a not-so-subtle threat to anyone thinking about challenging the upcoming 2024 election results. Her solution? Call on Michiganders to snitch on their family, friends, and neighbors. Sound familiar? Tim Walz did something eerily similar during COVID, and it seems Benson took notes. "See something, say something" has morphed into "See something, snitch like there’s no tomorrow." And in case you needed more evidence that Benson has gone completely off the deep end, she’s even set up a handy-dandy email for you to report "misinformation." Forget about debating ideas; now you can just report them straight to Big Sister Benson!
Governor Gretchen Whitmer: Benson's Partner in Crime
But Benson isn’t acting alone in this grand theater of absurdity. Enter stage left, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, who’s apparently taking cues from her Secretary of State. Whitmer recently signed into law a batch of bills that essentially lock the door on election recounts due to fraud allegations. In a move that would make any banana republic dictator proud, these laws also prevent election boards from investigating fraud, passing the buck to county prosecutors who, surprise surprise, are often cozy with the Soros machine. Because nothing says "free and fair elections" like tying the hands of those who are supposed to ensure they’re, well, free and fair!
George Soros, Puppeteer Extraordinaire
If you think this whole situation is just a
coincidence, you probably also think the moon landing was faked. The truth is, both Benson is just a part in the well-oiled machine that is George Soros’ grand plan to reshape America into his own twisted version of democracy. With Soros-funded operatives like Benson at the helm, Michigan’s elections are becoming less about the will of the people and more about the will of Soros. It’s almost as if Soros himself is writing the script, while Benson and Whitmer perform their parts with gusto.
So, as we barrel toward 2024, keep your eyes peeled and your skepticism handy. Because in Benson's Michigan, elections aren't about counting votes—they're about counting on your silence. And if you do decide to speak up, just remember to do it in a whisper, because Big Sister Benson is always listening.
Remember folks, this is all just parody, right? Wink, wink.
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