SANDERSONVILLE, IL — In what authorities are calling "an unfortunate incident of caffeinated misgendering," local man Jerry Thompson found himself in hot water this morning when he managed to unintentionally offend no fewer than 17 different genders while placing an order at a new coffee shop, "Brewed Awakening."
The 45-year-old financial analyst walked up to the counter and greeted barista Taylor Jameson, who uses the pronouns zhe/zher/zheir. Unaware of the linguistic landmine he was about to step into, Jerry started the conversation with a cheerful "Good morning, ma'am!" The temperature in the room immediately dropped several degrees.
Taylor pursed zher lips and responded, "Actually, I prefer 'zher,' but that's fine." Undeterred, Jerry continued to list his usual order: a venti nonfat soy latte with two pumps of caramel and a sprinkle of oat milk dust. While Taylor nodded with professional politeness, Jerry sealed his fate by asking, "Could you make it a little less, you know… extra?"
Within minutes, word of the faux pas spread through the café like wildfire, causing an immediate stir. Alex, the person behind Jerry, was so incensed they dropped their custom rainbow Frappuccino, spilling its neon contents across the marble floor and causing an eruption of colorful outrage.
Barista-manager Morgan, who identifies as "Pan-demigender-fluid", immediately pulled Jerry aside for a stern sensitivity training session. Customers overheard him protesting weakly, "But I was just trying to say the coffee tasted too sweet last time!" only to be met with icy stares and unsolicited pronoun correction pamphlets.
In the aftermath, Jerry was handed a color-coded flowchart to guide him through the nuances of gender identity. The chart quickly went viral after the café's social media manager, Stevie (who identifies as "None-of-the-above-but-thanks-for-asking"), posted a screenshot titled, "Anatomy of an Accidental Offender."
"I just wanted some coffee," Jerry lamented, clutching his nonfat soy latte like a life raft while wading through the sea of glares. "I thought I was being inclusive by avoiding dairy!"
In the interest of further education, the café has organized a workshop called "Getting Your Pronouns Straight: Navigating the New Normal While Ordering Espresso" with free stickers for those who pass the quiz.
As of press time, Jerry had locked himself in his office, scrolling frantically through Google results for "gender-inclusive greetings" while trying to decide if he should switch to tea.
Comments