The first commandment of the Woke Church: Thou shalt not question Obama, The High Priest of Hope and Change.
New York, NY—In a shocking yet utterly predictable display of irony, former TV anchor Katie Couric declared that Trump supporters—yes, all 75 million of them—are part of a “cult” that requires immediate “deprogramming.” Naturally, this proclamation caused political analysts and casual Twitter trolls alike to wonder if Couric had been locked in a soundproof echo chamber stocked with nothing but soy lattes and back issues of The Atlantic for the past six years.
But wait—what exactly makes a cult? Couric, with her journalist hat slightly askew, seemed to skip over some of the more glaring criteria, such as:
1. Living in a self-contained bubble of dogma (check: woke circles).
2. Worshipping a charismatic leader who can do no wrong (check: Obama, the man who turned “likeability” into a deity).
3. Demanding absolute conformity while shaming dissent (check: anyone who dares question whether boys belong in girls’ locker rooms).
Couric’s comments raise a fascinating philosophical question: Who’s the real cult member here? Let’s dive in, shall we?
Cult Checklist: Katie’s Inner Circle Edition
According to actual cult experts (a.k.a., everyone who survived a Netflix docuseries), cults typically attract highly educated, well-off individuals who feel disconnected from traditional religion and free time—Katie and her cocktail party crowd just screamed bingo on that one. Let’s break it down:
Highly Educated Members
Couric’s clique of intellectual elites can spot a microaggression at 30 paces but will happily ignore skyrocketing inflation. Who needs a balanced budget when you can deconstruct gender norms over kale salad?
Weak Spiritual Foundation
Many cult members replace religious faith with something equally zealous. Katie’s disciples have swapped Sunday sermons for TikTok activism and corporate-sponsored Pride parades, because nothing says “liberation” like a bank profiting off your identity.
Financial Success
The Couric crew might scoff at capitalism, but they sure love cashing those book deals, Netflix contracts, and speaking engagement checks. Who needs wealth redistribution when you’ve got a summer home in the Hamptons?
Excess Free Time
Cult members are notorious for attending endless meetings and seminars. Katie’s compatriots might not chant in circles, but their “Resistance Brunches” and Diversity Workshops are oddly similar.
Katie’s Own Cult Leader Potential
For someone wagging her finger at “cultists,” Couric’s leadership qualifications are suspiciously strong:
1. Charismatic Leader: Katie’s a polished talking head with a knack for sounding authoritative even when spewing nonsense—a skill prized by every cult leader since Charles Manson.
2. Totalitarian Tendencies: “Deprogramming” millions of Trump supporters? Sounds like Couric’s already brainstorming matching jumpsuits and mandatory yoga sessions.
3. Preying on Vulnerability: The average viewer of Couric’s past work likely shares one key trait: an unfulfilled need for validation that their political enemies are the worst. Katie delivers this dopamine hit with the precision of a snake-oil salesman.
The Cult of Wokeism: A Case Study in Projection
Let’s get real: If any group fits the cult definition, it’s the hive-mind devotees of wokeism—Couric’s natural habitat. The parallels are uncanny:
Central Figure: Barack Obama, the infallible sage. Any criticism is sacrilege.
Holy Texts: Think pieces from The Washington Post and Slate.
Rituals: Canceling anyone with “problematic” views and hoisting rainbow flags in every conceivable space.
When confronted with dissent, wokeists scream “educate yourself,” which is cult-speak for “memorize our doctrine.” They’ve even invented their own language! (Pro tip: If you don’t know what “Latinx” means, don’t worry—neither does 97% of the Latino population.)
A Modest Proposal for Katie
In an act of journalistic charity, we at the Elephants Den would like to extend Katie an invitation to look in the mirror—a bold step for someone so used to gazing lovingly at her own worldview. Perhaps she might consider this humble suggestion: before tossing around accusations of cult behavior, double-check that you haven’t already traded your skepticism for the Kool-Aid.
And if Couric’s still unsure which side looks more like a cult, she’s welcome to join Trump’s next rally, where she’ll witness the terrifying ritual of almost 80 thousand Americans peacefully chanting “USA” without demanding reparations from the concession stand.
Because if loving your country is a cult, well, sign us up.
Disclaimer:
This article is purely parody and not intended to offend any individual or group, but rather to shine a comedic spotlight on the absurdities of modern political and social dynamics. Any resemblance to reality is entirely intentional because, well, reality these days does a fine job of satirizing itself.
In this brave new faith, Katie Couric emerges as the newest apostle of the Church of Wokeism, bowing before High Priest Barack Obama, whose sermons shape the commandments of this cult. The rules? Absolute conformity. Disagree even slightly, and you’ll earn the ultimate modern scarlet letter: RACIST. And there is no greater damnation in 21st-century America than that.
Obamism or Wokeism is a form of psychological slavery, that preaches that the color of your skin dictates not only your opportunities in life but even your ideas. Wokeism is a cult, and its goal is to destroy the truth, because by destroying truth it destroys the notion of good and evil.
We poke fun not to belittle, but to bring attention to the dangerous groupthink masquerading as progress. After all, in this new faith, the only real sin is independent thought. Disclaimer complete. Parody achieved. Laugh responsibly.
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"Woke has one purpose and only one purpose, it has plenty of pretexts but only one purpose: control. It is designed to divide people by race, gender, ethnicity, religion, vaccine status and any other way they can divide people into groups. Because Why? Then they can justify a government in control of all those groups. No more woke. We need freedom." Pierre Poilievre
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