There’s a certain art to being a political shapeshifter. And let’s be honest, Kamala Harris has mastered this like a world-class magician who can pull a rabbit out of her hat—except, in her case, the rabbit is whatever belief, identity, or accent fits the moment. From her fracking flip-flop to her sudden discovery of a Southern twang at a diner in Birmingham, Harris has shown she’s got one motto: “If at first you don’t succeed, pretend you never said it in the first place.”
And here we are, six weeks into what has to be the longest game of “Hide and Seek” ever played by a presidential candidate. Six. Whole. Weeks. That’s longer than most Netflix binge-watchers can stay off social media! But alas, Kamala finally emerged from her media cocoon, and surprise, surprise—she’s a whole new person! This time, Harris 3.0 comes with fewer "radical leftist" upgrades, a convenient amnesia about her previous positions, and a teleprompter stocked full of buzzwords she likely rehearsed in front of the mirror.
You’ve heard of reinventing yourself—well, Kamala just did it in record time! Some people change their minds about a dinner order; she changes her mind about major national policies.
How to Become Pro-Fracking in 39 Days or Less
For starters, her miraculous conversion on fracking. You remember fracking, right? That thing she hated so much she’d probably have banned it from the dictionary if she could’ve. But now, she’s channeling her inner Texan, telling natural gas workers in Pennsylvania that she’s always been on their side. Yup, you heard that right! Apparently, we’ve all been living in a parallel universe where Harris has always been pro-fracking, loved fossil fuels, and never co-sponsored the Green New Deal. Who knew?
In the next Harris version update, she might just tell us she invented fracking and taught it to Elon Musk as a side hobby.
The Child Tax Credit That Wasn’t
Then there’s the Trump tax credit for service workers that she voted against but now wants credit for. Apparently, being anti-tip-tax one day and pro-tip-tax the next is all part of Kamala’s nifty bag of political tricks. She’s like a political Houdini, escaping the memory of anyone who dares to fact-check her.
And let’s not forget her shocking revelation that maybe taxing hard-working parents is a bad idea. Somewhere, Trump is probably scratching his head, wondering if Kamala’s next move will be calling herself the co-architect of his entire tax plan.
Border Security... Featuring Kamala’s Mirage of a Wall
But wait—there’s more! After being in charge of the Biden administration’s stellar immigration policy (read: welcome mats at the border), she’s now showcasing pictures of Trump’s wall in her ads, probably hoping no one notices. It’s like she’s starring in her own episode of “Extreme Makeover: Policy Edition.” Yesterday’s “un-American wall” is today’s “great American security measure.” But hey, why let facts get in the way of a good campaign pivot?
It’s as if she’s expecting voters to collectively experience a nationwide amnesia epidemic. Maybe her next campaign slogan should be “Forget what I said, remember what I say now.”
To Defund or Not to Defund: The Police Conundrum
Ah yes, the great "Defund the Police" U-turn. Kamala was all in on defunding, back when it was the cool, trendy slogan for those far-left rallies. But now? She’s practically got a blue-line flag hanging in her office. According to her, she never meant to defund them—she just wanted to “rethink” funding. Kind of like how we all rethink our diets while eating a box of donuts.
So now, Harris has switched gears—suddenly pro-police, pro-law enforcement, and probably the future star of a Law & Order reboot where she plays both sides of the aisle.
A CNN Appearance: Starring Kamala Harris and Her Human Shield, Tim Walz
And then, of course, there was the long-awaited CNN interview—the media comeback tour that no one saw coming because, well, Kamala was AWOL. But when she finally sat down with Dana Bash, there was her trusty sidekick, Tim Walz, ready to play human shield.
Somehow, it’s as if Walz was there just in case Harris got cornered on her own rhetoric. If the questions got too tough, I half-expected him to jump in and say, “What Kamala really meant was…” Heck, even he’s probably confused about which Kamala Harris he’s running with!
But let’s give her some credit—it’s not easy being an ideological chameleon. One minute you’re a radical leftist, the next you’re quoting conservative talking points like it’s a karaoke night. That takes some serious mental gymnastics, the kind that would make an Olympic gymnast jealous.
The Never-Ending Shuffle: What Will She Be Tomorrow?
What’s next for Kamala Harris? A gun-toting, Bible-quoting advocate for small government? A hardline fiscal conservative who just discovered Milton Friedman? Or maybe she’ll tell us that she was always pro-life, but just forgot to mention it. With Harris, the possibilities are endless because, well, so are the flip-flops.
So buckle up, America! Kamala Harris is like a political kaleidoscope—every time you look at her, she’s changed into something else. By the time Election Day rolls around, she may have convinced us that she invented apple pie, baseball, and the Fourth of July, all while pretending she never opposed any of them in the first place.
In the end, there’s only one thing we can be sure of: Kamala Harris will always be whatever Kamala Harris needs to be to get elected.
Kamelean Harris: Kamelean Part 1
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