Nothing screams "Welcome to Chicago!" quite like the Democratic National Convention rolling into town k a door prize that will leave you—quite literally—speechless. But let’s be honest, who really wants a tote bag or a commemorative pen when you could walk away with something so much more…permanent? Kamala Harris and Tim Walz, never ones to be outdone in the lunacy department, have pulled out all the stops. Forget about the usual swag; delegates at this year's DNC will be treated to something far more unforgettable: free abortions and vasectomies!
Yes, you heard that right. In a move that can only be described as a surreal blend of dystopian nightmare and dark comedy, Chicago has officially become the world's most depressing amusement park—complete with its own “permanent” attractions. Just imagine the excitement! As President Biden mumbles his way through his speech on Monday—yes, Monday, because waiting until Thursday is apparently so like 2020—attendees can line up for the ultimate Democratic giveaway: a chance to permanently alter their reproductive futures. Who needs a future anyway?
But why stop there? The possibilities for additional “incentives” are endless. How about a free punch card for your tenth visit to the Planned Parenthood? Collect all ten stamps, and get a free emotional void! Or perhaps a complimentary subscription to "Children of the Corn"—the newsletter for those who’ve decided to give up on the next generation entirely.
And don't forget, this isn’t just absurd. It’s downright evil. Harris and Walz, in their infinite wisdom and compassion, could have chosen literally anything else as an incentive—free college tuition, tax breaks, or even a lifetime supply of avocado toast (which, let's be honest, might have been a bigger hit with the crowd). But no, they went straight for the jugular, or should we say, the womb and the… well, you know where this is going.
This door prize isn't just a one-time deal, folks; it's a permanent reminder that your political leaders think the best way to secure your vote is by ensuring you never have to worry about pesky kids getting in the way of your career, travel plans, or sleep schedule. They’re practically screaming, “Why bring a child into this world when you can just opt out of parenthood altogether?”
Of course, this aligns perfectly with their ideology of depopulation—a conspiracy theory? Hardly. Just look at the evidence laid out at this convention! They’re not even trying to hide it anymore. The Democratic Party’s new slogan might as well be “Vote for Us, and We’ll Make Sure Your Legacy Ends with You.”
So here’s a call to all the Christians out there who say they’re not voting for Trump. Take a good, long look at what’s being offered in Chicago. This is what you’re signing up for—four more years (and possibly more) of a world where the most “progressive” gift you can receive is a procedure that guarantees you won’t be contributing to the future of humanity.
The choice you make today will shape tomorrow. And if this is the future Harris and Walz are envisioning, it’s a future that could make "The Night Chicago Died" a permanent fixture on the soundtrack of America. Do you really want that on repeat?
And there you have it—the grand prize of the century. Because who needs a future when you can have a door prize like this?
Disclosure: While the events described in this article are based on true events (see reference at the end of the page), the content has been written in a satirical and humorous style. Please note that while we can laugh at the absurdity of certain situations, abortion is a serious and sensitive issue. The humor used here is intended to critique and lampoon political actions, not to make light of the real and complex moral debates surrounding this topic. Parody is a powerful tool for commentary, but it’s essential to recognize the gravity of the underlying issues.
Death on Wheels: Brought To You By: Harris-Walz. https://www.foxnews.com/true-crime/planned-parenthood-offering-free-abortions-vascetomies-dnc?intcmp=tw_fnc
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