As the countdown to January ticks away, Kamala Harris finds herself at a crossroads. With a bustling career behind her and a bright something ahead, she’s officially on the hunt for the perfect post-VP job. But finding that “just right” gig is tough when you’ve spent four years laughing in front of empty stadiums and trying to unlock the mysteries of the southern border. So what’s next? Well, Kamala’s got options—and boy, are they as unique as her own career.
Let’s dive into the top 11 new career choices for America’s soon-to-be-former VP. Get ready, because each one is a perfectly tailored opportunity for a woman of her unique talents.
1. Concert Promoter Extraordinaire
Let’s be honest—Kamala's experience filling seats (mostly with pop stars) is unmatched. Picture it: the “Kamala 2024 Stadium Tour,” where Beyoncé, Cardi B, and Eminem take the stage while Kamala warms up the crowd with her latest word-salad pep talk. With a lineup like that, Kamala might finally achieve what she always wanted: a standing ovation… even if it’s for someone else.
2. McDonald's Fry Cook (Again?)
Kamala has told us stories of her days as a McDonald's employee during college. Sure, she’s never quite proven she worked there, but she speaks of it with the same nostalgia as if she were an alum of Harvard Law. Now, imagine the poetic justice: Kamala finally flips her way to the top of the food chain, beating out Trump, who only posed with McDonald's fries for a campaign stunt. She could finally serve up those golden fries herself—with a side of her golden laugh.
3. Voiceover Actress: The Laugh Heard ‘Round the World
With her truly iconic voice and famous kackle, and multiple dialects, Kamala would be Hollywood gold in the voiceover world. Picture her signature laugh as the soundtrack for every sitcom laugh track and game show filler. Imagine her lending her vocal talents to animated characters who randomly break into speeches about “the nature of unity.” Cartoon Network, are you listening? Her voice is a national treasure—of sorts.
4. Border Zone Greeter
Having already dabbled as the “Border Czar”, Kamala would make a flawless Border Zone Greeter. Her job? To welcome guests with a smile, wave them through… and finally ask for those pesky documents she forgot about before. No more border worries, just “Welcome to America!” and a quick selfie. She may have bypassed security checks before, but hey, now she’ll make sure someone else does the work.
5. Restaurant Owner – “Kamala’s Kaleidoscope Cuisine”
Opening a fusion restaurant that’s as unpredictable as she is, Kamala’s new joint would serve Indian food one day, soul food the next, depending on her mood. Called Kamala’s Kaleidoscope Cuisine, it offers customers a taste of Kamala’s multifaceted personality. Servers are even trained to match customers’ dialects, from “Hey, y’all!” in the South to “Whaddaya want?” in NYC. The only guarantee? The menu changes as much as her political positions.
6. President of the National Eugenics Association
Finally, a title that says "President." Sure, it’s not “President of the United States,” but it’s close enough. Here, Kamala can follow her commitment to population control with gusto. Her signature policy? “Abortions on Wheels” —a mobile unit that brings the procedure to a location near you. Now, busy workers don’t even have to miss lunch! It’s bold, it’s progressive, and it’s… well, it’s Kamala.
7. Defense Instructor for Nanny School
As a newly self-proclaimed expert in family dynamics, Kamala could open Kamala’s School for Nannies, an elite training academy where nannies learn “family-friendly boundaries.” With a crash course in martial arts, they’ll be prepared to ward off any “overly friendly” husbands (not that her husband Doug would ever… but you never know!). Safety first, and maybe Kamala can even learn a few moves herself.
8. Driving Instructor for New Immigrants
Having overseen a record influx of undocumented immigrants, Kamala can put her knowledge to good use as a driving instructor for those new arrivals. Who better to teach folks how to navigate the rules of the road than the woman who pioneered “rules-free” entry? Lessons include high-speed evasive maneuvers, how to wave off police checkpoints, and the art of taking a hard left.
9. Spokesperson for Fiscal "Responsibility"
Imagine Kamala starring in a financial planning commercial with the tagline: “When You’ve Got a Billion to Burn and Nothing to Show for It!” After spending over a billion campaign dollars and winding up $20 million in debt, she’s the perfect face for what not to do. This could be a series of commercials featuring Kamala endorsing creative ways to lose your money, like “Funding Empty Stadiums” or “Investing in Ice Cream Photo Ops.” The possibilities (and missed budgets) are endless!
10. Gender Confusion Counselor
As Trump tightens restrictions on men competing in women’s sports or sharing locker rooms, an influx of bewildered and tearful individuals is expected. Enter Kamala, who will lend her unparalleled consoling skills as America’s first “Gender Confusion Counselor.” With a knack for empathy and a mastery of word salads, Kamala is poised to help these displaced athletes “navigate their truth,” however many twists it may take.
11. Author Extraordinaire
Last but not least, Kamala’s book-writing days aren’t over! With a wealth of experiences and unique wisdom, she’s ready to add a few more bestsellers to her repertoire. Possible titles include:
Word Salads: 50 Recipes for a Brain-Healthy Speech – The former Vice President fuses a prosecutor’s mindset with years of wisdom as she discusses everything from growing up in middle-class America to reflecting on the profound “passage of time” and the art of staying “unburdened by what has been.” A must-read for anyone seeking mind-bending insights!
How to Reduce Crime While Defunding the Police – The real issue isn’t crime itself, but the police forces who dare to oversee it. In this practical guide, Kamala unveils revolutionary (and unthinkable) methods for eliminating crime—one defunded precinct at a time.
A Young Girl's Guide to Success – Nothing says “Girl Power” quite like the tale of a young woman who leveraged connections and, allegedly, a few “strategic relationships” to scale the political ladder. Move over, glass ceiling! Kamala introduces a fresh approach: the satin-sheet ascent.
Miss Lock a Brother Up – A “tough love” memoir detailing Kamala’s record-breaking years as California’s Attorney General, during which she jailed a majority of Black defendants. This book is as much about the “pursuit of justice” as it is about Kamala’s commitment to… well, certain communities.
How Socialism Can Make America Great Again – Kamala recounts her journey from middle-class upbringing to a modern socialist vision, with roots deeply connected to her father’s Marxist teachings at Stanford. In this volume, she explores the benefits of socialism and dives into the delicate balance between equity and equality.
How to Lie and Tell the Truth (Sort of) at the Same Time: A Guide to Fact Twisting - In this must-read manual for aspiring politicians, Kamala shares her seasoned approach to bending the truth just enough to keep it plausible. With her step-by-step guide to "creative fact-twisting," readers will learn how to weave a narrative that leaves everyone nodding along... and slightly confused.
Each book promises Kamala’s trademark spin: bold, baffling, and never short on irony.
Final Thoughts
As the VP prepares to depart, her next steps are as open as the southern border. Whether it’s flipping fries, promoting concerts, or leading a laugh track, Kamala’s got options—and she’s ready to bring her trademark “Harris flair” to her new role. So stay tuned, America; Kamala’s next act is just around the corner. We can’t wait to see what she comes up with next… though we’re pretty sure it’ll leave us all laughing.
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and in no way intended to disparage the service of Kamala Harris—though, if we’re honest, we’re still scratching our heads trying to recall a single positive impact. Well, there is one thing: she did have Joe Biden removed as President. So there’s that.
And what about her former running mate, Tim Walz? Well, rumor has it he’s already exploring his next career too—maybe a new spin as a tampon executive or perhaps writing a tell-all: How to Talk Your Way Out of Just About Anything (Even When Nobody’s Listening).
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