When You’re President for a week Make It Count: Kamala’s Oval Office Face Lift
In a move that has political pundits, comedy writers, and casual onlookers alike scratching their heads, a coalition of Democrat strategists is urging Joe Biden to do the unthinkable: step aside and let Kamala Harris take the reins—just for a few glorious weeks. The goal? To satisfy what insiders say is a “participation trophy” plea from Harris, who reportedly feels her historical footnote as one of America’s most bewildering vice presidents just isn’t enough.
According to whispered sources deep within White House corridors, the true motive here might be a bit juicier. Word has it Kamala’s threatened to drop a tell-all memoir detailing every last mix-up, mishap, and mishandled situation over the past four years. And if there’s one thing the Biden administration doesn’t need, it’s another memoir nobody wants to read. Some, however, suggest the strategy is a brilliant scheme to mess with Trump, forcing him to swap out his precious "47" merch and start cranking out "48" instead.
Regardless of motive, Kamala would finally get her historical footnote—and the absurdity will continue at least until January.
The Oval Office Makeover
Unfazed by the logistical nightmare, Harris has reportedly already begun designing a total Oval Office rebrand. The new color scheme? An “artistic” palette of blue, red, and gray— in homage to her alma mater, Howard University. The final touch will be adding a custom cheetah-print rug. “Cheetahs are resilient, independent, and fast, just like me,” she explained.
One aide was overheard muttering, “Nothing screams presidential authority like animal print. Add a disco ball, and it’s basically the future she envisions.” Meanwhile, President Biden has been seen wandering the West Wing looking for his “favorite chair” that was quietly removed.
The Inauguration Spectacle
Kamala’s team is burning the midnight oil to throw an inauguration like no other. This won’t just be an inauguration; it’s set to be the inauguration, complete with high-wattage celebrity speakers Oprah, and George Clooney with performances by Beyonce, Cardi B, Eminem, and more. All being paid for by the American taxpayer.
One anonymous insider has hinted that Kamala’s speech theme will be titled: “To Be, Like, the Best I Can Be—For All of Us (Or Whatever)”. Written to capture her signature word-salad eloquence, the speech promises to reach JFK-levels of oratory… or at least be something that will require closed captions for clarity. Rumor has it the speech will also feature at least three spontaneous dance breaks, several personal anecdotes about her time growing up in middle class America, and a few minutes where she just laughs uncontrollably before moving on.
Policy Goals for the ‘Consolation Presidency’
Kamala’s goals for her short but “impactful” term are as lofty as they are, well, peculiar:
1. Mass Citizenship Approval for Illegal Immigrants
In what Kamala describes as a “heartfelt gesture for humanity,” she’s promised to grant immediate citizenship to millions, calling it “America’s ultimate group hug.”
2. Reparations for Jamaicans and Indians
As a proud representative of both Jamaican and Indian heritage, Harris intends to push for a reparations bill targeting those of Jamaican and Indian descent. “We’ll work out the details later,” she assures with a nod to her ancestors and her ability to dodge specifics.
3. Creation of a New State: Kamalifornia
Not satisfied with just the vice presidency, Kamala hopes to carve out a brand new state. Tentatively named Kamalifornia, the state would consist of her favorite Washington coffee shops, a yoga studio, and anyone who’s willing to pledge unending devotion to her.
4. Starting WWIII
An unconventional addition to the list, starting World War III is Kamala’s answer to “taking bold action on the world stage.” Details are hazy, but sources say it involves an elaborate TikTok dance challenge that countries around the globe will be invited to join… or else.
Running Mate Tim Walz’s Excitement… and Minor Mishap
Her bumbling running mate, Tim Walz, is reportedly “thrilled beyond words” at the idea of making history as the sidekick in the shortest presidential stint ever. When asked about his initial reaction, Walz confessed he had “a little accident” that left his staff in stitches—though nobody is quite sure if the accident involved his pants, or a borrowed tampon, nobody really knows. In any case, Walz is ready to “show America what he’s got,” which most recently involved an inspirational speech on… well, the teleprompter malfunctioned, so no one’s exactly sure.
And So the Circus Rolls On…
As the country braces for Kamala’s brief yet unforgettable time at the helm, one thing is certain: it’ll be a moment in history that people will either quickly forget or fervently try to repress. Her inauguration, her policies, and even the bizarre interior design choices promise a surreal spectacle that will have pundits, comedians, and therapists talking for years.
So hold onto your hats, folks (especially you, Trump, because “47” may be a collector’s item soon). This might be the shortest and most spectacular “presidency” in American history—one that has people wondering what could possibly top it… and realizing that sometimes, maybe we’re better off not knowing.
Warning: This article (and image) contains dangerous levels of satire, hyperbole, and disco balls. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental—or wishful thinking. Please consult your sense of humor before proceeding. No cheetahs were harmed in the making of this parody.
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