It’s not a presidency—it’s America’s longest-running improv comedy show
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Joe Biden enters the final stretch of his presidency, he’s determined to leave behind a legacy no one will forget — mostly because it’s causing doctors nationwide to see a spike in appointments for stress-induced migraines. While most outgoing presidents might spend their final days planning a peaceful transition of power or writing their memoirs, Biden has opted for something far more unique: turning the Oval Office into a carnival of geopolitical chaos, pre-emptive pardons, and economic giveaways that would make Oprah blush.
On the Brink of World War III: "Oopsie-Daisy Diplomacy"
In a move critics are calling “bold” and psychiatrists are calling “delusional,” Biden recently approved the transfer of U.S.-made missiles to Ukraine with the explicit instructions to “aim them wherever feels right.” When asked if he was concerned this could escalate tensions with Russia, Biden chuckled and muttered something about “Corn Pop would’ve handled this differently,” leaving reporters visibly shaken.
This is the same man who once mistook a laser pointer for a nuclear button, yet here he is, playing geopolitical chicken with nations armed to the teeth. Experts are baffled: “It’s like watching someone juggle chainsaws while riding a Segway uphill,” one analyst noted. And yet, here we are, watching history unravel in slow motion. It’s chaos on a level no one could have anticipated — and yet, somehow, we’re all living it.
Pre-Emptive Pardons: Like Oprah, But for Crime
If you thought Bidenomics was the peak of Biden's creative failures, think again. In what analysts are calling "legally insane" and "totally bonkers," Biden has begun issuing pre-emptive pardons to people who haven't even been convicted of a crime yet.
"It's like a lottery for felons," one D.C. insider explained. Among the recipients: Hunter Biden (who reportedly thanked his dad with a suspiciously heavy laptop case), Hillary Clinton (pardoned for whatever she’s planning to do next), and P-Diddy (just in case). Biden explained the move by saying, “It’s like handing out Halloween candy. Except instead of candy, it’s… uh, pardons. What was the question again?”
Rumors are swirling that even Kamala Harris received a pardon. When reporters questioned why, Biden replied “You know… just in case,” before wandering off to find his favorite flavor of Jell-O.
Yet, this bizarre chapter raises a deeper concern: How can someone viewed by his own party as incapable of basic accountability be trusted with decisions of national consequence? It's like letting someone who failed their driving test navigate an 18-wheeler on an icy highway. Biden's use of executive authority has shifted from worrisome to downright perilous a dangerous tightrope act where the safety net is missing, and the stakes couldn't be higher.
Pledging $1 Billion to Africa While NC Residents Get Leftovers
Meanwhile, in a masterstroke of economic priorities, Biden pledged $1 billion in aid to Africa while thousands of North Carolina residents are still living in the aftermath of Hurricane Helene.
When asked about the discrepancy, Biden shrugged and replied, “Look, I’ve always said Africa is the… uh, heart of… you know, the thing.” One North Carolina resident put it bluntly: “I lost my house, my job, and half my town is underwater. But sure, let’s send money overseas. Makes total sense.”
Sources inside the White House say Biden has also promised $5 million to Guam for “the development of snow blowers” and $10 million to Finland for “penguin conservation efforts.” Finland, notably, has no penguins.
President Biden's Farewell Gift: Permanent Work-from-Home Deals
In a move baffling even his staunchest supporters, Biden has locked in a “work from home deal” for over 42,000 federal workers. This ensures that President-Elect Donald Trump, who has enlisted the help of Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy to slash government waste, can’t force these workers to return to the office five days a week.
“This is about freedom,” Biden declared, squinting at the teleprompter. “No American should be subjected to the horrors of... uh... fluorescent lighting and break room coffee. They can be just as productive Zooming in their pajamas.”
Critics, however, claim the move is less about freedom and more about Biden’s recent slip-up where he referred to "remote work" as "magic work." Meanwhile, federal employees celebrated the announcement by updating their LinkedIn profiles to read, “Proficient in attending meetings on mute.”
The Cockpit of America: Pilots Asleep, Passengers Terrified
The most powerful country in the world is currently being led by a man whose mental state has raised alarm bells even within his own administration. Recent findings from Special Counsel Robert Hur only add fuel to the fire, suggesting Biden’s ability to effectively lead the country is deeply conflicted. This leaves Americans grappling with a disturbing question: Is Biden oblivious, dishonest, or simply out of his depth? Perhaps it’s all three.
It’s as if America is a jumbo jet soaring through turbulence, with Biden fumbling at the controls while his aides try to prevent him from hitting autopilot with a bowl of oatmeal. And yet, somehow, he is trusted to make pivotal decisions — from issuing pardons to navigating geopolitical minefields — while the rest of the nation collectively holds its breath.
Other Farewell Shenanigans
In other news, Biden has also:
Renamed the Statue of Liberty to ‘The Statue of Equity’: "Because fairness is taller," Biden explained.
Announced a plan to replace all military vehicles with electric scooters: The Pentagon is not amused.
Declared a new federal holiday called ‘Joe Day,’ which consists of everyone taking a nap at 2 p.m. while eating tapioca pudding.
Mandated that all clocks run 10 minutes slow to "ease time anxiety": Biden explained, "If everyone’s late, then no one’s late. That’s democracy."
Prroposed turning Mount Rushmore into a holographic slideshow of diverse historical figures: “Stone faces are so last century. Let’s make it inclusive and digital!” Biden remarked while pointing at his iPad upside down.
Announced plans to replace Air Force One with a hot air balloon for sustainability reasons: “It’s green, it’s scenic, and hey, I’ve always liked the Wizard of Oz,” he explained, to the horror of his Secret Service detail.
A Nation on Edge
As Biden’s tenure comes to an end, Americans everywhere are holding their breath, praying that the next 60 days don’t involve even more international incidents, domestic giveaways, or pardons for fictional characters. (Yes, word on the street is Joe tried to pardon Iron Man.)
One thing is clear: Biden’s presidency will go down in history — not for its accomplishments, but for its ability to make everyone simultaneously laugh, cry, and stock up on canned goods.
Godspeed, America. We are going to need it.
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