When in doubt, blame Trump. Signed, Joe.
It’s officially the holiday season, and President Joe Biden has decided to deck the halls with a presidential pardon for his son, Hunter Biden. Yes, the same Joe Biden who solemnly assured the American public that he’d never interfere with justice. But as with all things Biden, promises are more like “strongly worded suggestions.”
To add a sprinkle of comedy gold to this political snowstorm, Biden’s handwritten justification letter for the pardon was “leaked” (intentionally, no doubt) alongside the cleaned-up version approved by his PR team. What makes the raw letter truly remarkable is Biden’s unfiltered honesty, written as if he were admitting his deepest, most unspoken thoughts.
In the interest of fairness—and festive humor—we present to you “Biden’s Pardon Letter: Honest Thoughts vs. PR Spin.”
Opening Lines
Biden’s Honest Thoughts:
"Today, I pardoned my son, Hunter. Let me be clear: Hunter didn’t get prosecuted for any actual crimes. No, he was targeted because he’s my son—just like I’ve targeted Donald Trump and his MAGA cult for daring to exist. If you come after my family, I’ll come after yours. That’s the deal."
PR-Polished Version:
"Today, I pardoned my son, Hunter Biden. Since taking office, I have always respected the independence of the Department of Justice, but I cannot ignore the partisan targeting of my son."
Commentary: Honest Joe lays it bare: what goes around comes around. The polished version, meanwhile, turns it into a noble crusade against injustice.
On Hunter’s Selective Prosecution
Biden’s Honest Thoughts:
"They’re calling this ‘selective prosecution,’ and they’re right—it’s selective because Hunter is my son. That’s what politics is: you go after the other guy’s family and protect your own. Heck, that’s what I’ve been doing to Trump and his supporters. January 6th? Selective prosecution. Classified documents? Selective prosecution. That’s the game, folks, and I’m winning."
PR-Polished Version:
"Cases like Hunter’s, which involve late tax payments and a firearm application, are typically resolved without criminal charges. This prosecution was clearly politically motivated, targeting Hunter because he is my son."
Commentary: In Honest Joe’s world, politics isn’t about justice—it’s about keeping the scoreboard tilted. The PR version wraps the same sentiment in a warm blanket of victimhood.
On Sobriety and Resilience
Biden’s Honest Thoughts:
"Sure, Hunter made mistakes—who hasn’t? Crack, pedophilia, bad taxes, shady deals. But let me tell you something: he’s been clean for five years. FIVE YEARS. That’s longer than most of my critics can go without sending a dumb tweet. If that’s not resilience, I don’t know what is. And by the way, how about some credit for being a great dad? I didn’t just sniff my grandkids’ hair; I saved their dad’s skin!"
PR-Polished Version:
"Despite past struggles, Hunter has demonstrated over five years of sobriety and remarkable resilience in the face of relentless political attacks."
Commentary: Honest Joe wants a gold star for parenting under pressure. PR Joe just wants to remind us Hunter’s been through a lot—like that’s supposed to justify everything.
The Closing Argument
Biden’s Honest Thoughts:
"The truth is, I believe in justice—as long as it’s my kind of justice. If pardoning Hunter keeps him out of jail and people call me a bold face liar, then so be it. America, you’ll get over it. You always do. Besides, who else am I supposed to protect if not my own family? That’s what power is for."
PR-Polished Version:
"I have faith in our justice system, but I also believe that partisan politics have corrupted this process, resulting in an injustice. This decision was made to restore fairness, and I hope the American people will understand the reasoning behind it."
Commentary: Honest Joe admits that power protects power. Polished Joe pretends this is all about restoring fairness and the rule of law.
A Divided Nation Reacts
The pardon has predictably split the country down partisan lines. Democrats hailed the move as a “heartwarming tale of a father’s love,” while Republicans called it “the final nail in the coffin of justice.” Donald Trump Jr. responded on Truth Social, writing, “If I had done HALF of what Hunter did, I’d be sharing a cell with Epstein. Oh wait…”
Hunter: “Finally Free to Be Me”
In a post-pardon interview with MSNBC, Hunter said the experience has been transformative. “This whole ordeal taught me the importance of accountability,” he said, before pausing to answer a text from a Ukrainian oligarch. “But it’s also taught me that accountability is relative when your dad runs the country.”
Hunter hinted at future plans to “turn over a new leaf,” which reportedly includes writing a memoir titled Cracked: How I Survived, Thrived, and Got a Presidential Pardon. Early leaked chapters include titles like “The Laptop Wasn’t Mine, But the Porn Sure Was” and “How to Monetize Family Values.”
In a touching display of gratitude and holiday spirit, Hunter presented his dad with a heartfelt gift: a “World’s Best Big Guy” mug and a brand-new laptop.
Conclusion: A Holiday Miracle
The timing of the pardon was no coincidence. Biden reportedly told aides he wanted to give Hunter “the best Christmas gift money can’t buy, mainly because we already used all the money for Hunter’s legal fees.”
In a festive moment, Biden also addressed his grandchildren during the press conference. “Listen up, kiddos,” he said with his trademark grin. “Any of you who think Grandpa doesn’t play favorites, this should clear that right up. Now, who wants to take a shower with ol’ Pop Pop?”
Joe Biden’s pardon of Hunter isn’t just a holiday miracle for the Biden family—it’s a masterclass in political survival. The contrast between Biden’s unfiltered thoughts and his PR-approved excuses tells you everything you need to know about Washington today.
For the Bidens, justice means never having to say you’re sorry—unless you’re Donald Trump, a January 6th defendant, or just unlucky enough to stand in their way. Merry Bidenmas to all, and to all a carefully spun night!
Parody Disclaimer
This article is a work of parody and satire. It is not meant to reflect real events, though, let’s be honest, it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference.
It’s almost inspiring how every excuse from this saga could fill a playbook titled "How to Avoid Accountability for Dummies." Between "selective prosecution" and "five years of sobriety," Biden's letter has proven one thing: if you’re a Biden, the justice system isn’t blind—it’s just conveniently nearsighted.
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