When your Dad's in the White House, every scandal has a happy ending
In a move that left the publishing world shocked and satire writers exhausted, Hunter Biden, the son of outgoing President Joe Biden, has struck a blockbuster deal with Macmillan US. The deal, brokered through the Biden family’s well-connected Ukrainian business partners, was announced by Bob Miller, president and publisher of Donkey Books, a division of Macmillan.
“We’re so deeply honored to be the publisher of Hunter’s works,” Miller said while holding back tears of joy. “This groundbreaking series will provide readers with an inside look at the trials and triumphs of being a First Son—trials Hunter faced bravely, often while under the influence of exotic substances.”
A Deal Fit for a Big Guy
The 10-part non-fiction series promises to dive deep into Hunter’s unique perspective as a son of a career politician and accidental artist. But that’s not all! The 11th book, co-written with President Joe Biden and First Lady Dr. Jill Biden, will be titled “The Big Guy Pardons the Little Guy"
The publishing deal, rumored to be worth $3 million per book, includes 10% of proceeds earmarked for “The Big Guy.” While no one is exactly sure how this clause made its way into the contract, Bob Miller assured reporters it was “just a sweetener for transparency’s sake.”
The Titles That’ll Change the Literary World (or Not)
Hunter himself selected the preliminary titles for the series, which range from absurd to outright delusional:
“White Lines Matter”
“Cracked: How I Survived, Thrived, and Got a Presidential Pardon”
“The Art of the Steal: A Biden Family Memoir”
“Laptop, Lies, and Daddy’s Love: The Hunter Biden Story”
“Pardon Me: How Politics, Power, and Privilege Saved My Life”
“From Tax Evasion to Redemption: My Journey in Two Easy Steps”
“The Biden Privilege: How I Got Away with Everything”
“Painting My Way Out of Trouble: A Masterpiece in Corruption”
“10% for the Big Guy: A Family Legacy”
“Confessions of a First Son: Crackpipes and Classified Documents”
Each book will roll out every six months, ensuring a steady stream of Hunter-themed content until the public’s collective patience runs dry—or runs out entirely.
Netflix and Thrill?
In true Hunter Biden fashion, the ink is barely dry on the publishing deal before talks of a Netflix adaptation began. According to sources, Hunter envisions a 10-part miniseries based on the books. When asked who he’d like to portray him, Hunter reportedly replied, “Charlie Sheen. Nobody else gets my vibe.”
Netflix executives, who previously greenlit Cuties, are reportedly thrilled about the prospect, calling the potential series “a perfect blend of family drama and criminal intrigue.”
Crime Does Pay (If You’re Hunter Biden)
Whoever said crime doesn’t pay clearly never met Hunter Biden. Between the book royalties, Netflix deals, merchandise (think 'Hunter's Happy Hour Crackpipes'), and potential NFT sales of his infamous laptop files, Hunter is expected to net upwards of $150 million.
Critics, however, aren’t so enthusiastic. “This is just another shameless cash grab from a man whose biggest achievement was having a famous dad,” one pundit commented. Others suggested that Hunter’s books should come with disclaimers: "For entertainment purposes only. Facts may not apply.”
Donkey Books on Hunter’s Legacy
Donkey Books’ editorial director, Joe Noebels, claimed the deal represents a pivotal moment in publishing. “Hunter’s story is a triumph of resilience, privilege, and the American way,” Noebels said. “His journey proves that you can literally smoke your way through life and still end up a millionaire—if your last name is Biden.”
As for the Bidens’ co-written book, Noebels teased that it will include exclusive chapters on “The Secret Sauce of Pardons” and “How to Weaponize Empathy Without Breaking a Sweat.”
Conclusion: A Literary Dynasty of Dysfunction
Hunter Biden’s publishing deal is more than just a windfall for the Biden family; it’s a testament to the unique opportunities that come with privilege, political connections, and a well-timed pardon. For those who can’t wait to read “Confessions of a First Son,” it’ll hit shelves just in time for Christmas—because nothing says holiday spirit like a bestseller born of scandal.
And to the skeptics out there? Don’t be jealous. As Hunter’s father always says, “C’mon, man!”
Disclaimer:
If you’re here looking for Hunter Biden’s books, save yourself the time—and the regret. This is a parody. That said, with Hunter, who knows? Stranger things have made it to print,
Let’s be honest: life throws curveballs, and we’ve all got baggage. Some people struggle quietly, while others—well, let’s just say their laptops get leaked, their family ties make headlines, and their escapades end up in parody articles.
Hunter Biden’s story could have been one of redemption, a tale of overcoming addiction and personal demons. But instead of humility and remorse, we get a man who seems to double down on privilege and evasion. It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who had every opportunity for change yet continues to skate by without accountability.
This isn’t about throwing stones—it’s about acknowledging that actions have consequences. For most people, a laptop scandal would mean public shame and a long road to recovery. For Hunter, it’s a book deal and a Netflix series. We all stumble, but some of us don’t get to stumble into multi-million-dollar contracts.
So, while we wish Hunter a path to true self-awareness, it’s hard not to notice the glaring lack of remorse for the harm done. Maybe the real book we’re waiting for is the one where he takes responsibility. But let’s not hold our breath.
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