In a move that will surely be remembered as the most sincere (and exhausting) gesture of guilt ever undertaken, Vice President Kamala Harris and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz have teamed up to launch a nationwide event that can only be described as “Sorry-geddon.” Yes, folks, mark your calendars and stock up on knee pads—because the first annual National Day of Apology to Literally Everyone is upon us!
A Nation of the Apologetically Inclined
The concept is simple: on this fateful day, every American citizen, from sea to shining sea, will be required to apologize for, well, everything. And I mean *everything*. Did your great-great-great-grandfather step on someone’s toe back in 1832? Better start drafting that apology letter. Accidentally cut someone off in traffic three years ago? It’s time to make amends. Had a slightly insensitive thought about pineapple on pizza? Prepare to beg for forgiveness.
Vice President Harris, the mastermind behind this unprecedented initiative, announced the event in a press conference that was equal parts solemn and bewildering. “We are a nation that has wronged so many,” she intoned, her voice thick with gravity. “It’s time we collectively get on our knees—both figuratively and literally—and say, ‘We’re sorry.’” And there you have it: the most ambitious exercise in national penitence since… well, ever.
The “Sorry Day” Marathon: Apology Bootcamp for the Soul
The logistics of this day are nothing short of Herculean. Starting at the crack of dawn, Americans will engage in a 24-hour marathon of apologies. Think of it as an ultra-endurance event, but instead of running, you’ll be offering heartfelt apologies to every person you’ve ever wronged, every historical grievance you didn’t even know you were involved in, and yes, even that one time you forgot to recycle.
Governor Walz, who has enthusiastically thrown his weight behind the event, promises that no one will be left off the hook. “This is about uniting us as a people through shared remorse,” Walz explained, while awkwardly avoiding questions about the time he skipped out on his cousin’s wedding. “By the end of this day, every American will have apologized to everyone else. No stone will be left unturned; no grudge will be left unaddressed.”
Participants are encouraged to start training now. Suggested exercises include deep knee bends (for optimal groveling posture), penning generic apology notes (for when sincerity starts to wane), and practicing the phrase “I didn’t mean it!” in front of a mirror until it loses all meaning.
Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word
Of course, not everyone is thrilled about the prospect of a day devoted entirely to guilt. Some critics argue that the event will lead to what they’re calling “Apology Inflation”—where the sheer volume of apologies renders each one less meaningful. Others are concerned about the economic impact of a full day dedicated to non-stop apologizing. After all, you can’t run a country on “I’m sorry” alone… or can you?
But Harris and Walz are undeterred. “This is about healing the nation,” Harris declared, “and we believe that through relentless and exhaustive apologies, we can truly bring about change.” There was no word on whether any of these apologies would come with reparations, but the odds of knee replacements skyrocketing seem certain.
Get Ready to Grovel
So, dear readers, prepare yourselves for the first annual National Day of Apology. Start stretching those hamstrings, warm up your vocal cords, and most importantly, make a list—because you’re going to be saying “sorry” a lot.
And for those of you who think this sounds just a bit absurd, remember: it’s not just about saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about saying it until you’re truly sorry that you signed up for this in the first place.
Just remember to apologize for that, too.
Comments