Shocking revelations have emerged from the scientific community, which, in a stunning twist, has just released a monumental report confirming a fact once thought taboo to speak aloud: Men, as it turns out, cannot get pregnant.
It all began moments after Donald Trump was announced as president. Panicked scientists, reportedly roused from their progressive nap pods, stumbled upon a discovery that has left them scrambling to recalculate the very fundamentals of biology. In a hastily organized press conference, which included PowerPoint slides and mandatory diversity statements, researchers took to the stage, visibly shaken. "We have come to the conclusion," Dr. Woke McNarrative began, clutching a climate-friendly soy latte for stability, "that, um… well… it appears men, despite the last four years of scientific reimagining, lack the capacity for, uh… childbearing."
Gasps were heard across the room. Journalists clutched their pearls. One activist fainted. It was, as one onlooker described, "a seismic shift, shattering the very bedrock of our progressive advancements."
To be clear, the scientific community has stood by its progressive ideals through thick and thin. From redefining genders to boldly asserting the possibility of male pregnancies, science had valiantly held its position—until now. This sudden reversal sent shockwaves through elite academic circles, sparking disbelief, and heated debates over coffee alternatives.
The study, humorously titled “Reproductive Realities and the Male Biological Impossibility,” was peer-reviewed by the Society for Progressive Sciences, which convened at an undisclosed safe space to deliberate. “The data is, unfortunately, clear,” Dr. Ella She/Them lamented. “Men lack uteruses, ovaries, and, well, the basic infrastructure for pregnancy. Somehow, this has eluded us until now.”
To mitigate the fallout, scientific journals rushed to rewrite their entire back catalogs on human reproduction. Textbooks are being recalled, with a hefty apology section stapled to Chapter 5. Activists are demanding new terms, such as “pregnancy-impaired” for men and “birth-gifted” for women, to keep up with the revelation.
In a desperate bid to cope, some in academia have suggested that Trump’s victory may have "shifted the molecular structure of society itself," causing what they’re calling “Reality Vortex Syndrome” (RVS). This, according to leading professors, might explain why something that was so clearly true yesterday is now patently false. Others argued that this revelation was a direct result of “toxic masculinity,” while still others recommended that men, just to be safe, continue practicing Lamaze in solidarity.
Meanwhile, Twitter scientists (and self-declared experts) have launched a campaign for the report to be retracted, citing a potential “Trump bias” in the findings. “We were this close to a breakthrough in male pregnancies before the election!” one PhD candidate tweeted angrily. “This is exactly why science and elections shouldn’t mix.”
As the nation grapples with this earth-shattering truth, some universities have announced plans to open grievance counseling centers for students devastated by the news. "This is a tough pill to swallow," said President Avery Concerned of Ivy League University. "We don’t want our students walking around thinking that science is a rigid field bound by reality. That could be damaging."
The National Association of Left-Leaning Scientists has since issued an emergency declaration, vowing to investigate how this so-called "discovery" ever came to light. One unnamed source confided, “It’s almost as if the scientific community was tricked into admitting reality. But we will do everything possible to right this wrong.”
When reached for comment, President Trump, sipping a Diet Coke on the golf course, shrugged. “All I can say is, I guess science finally came out of the lab.”
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