California’s very own Governor Gavin Newsom has officially declared he will stand firm in protecting the state’s most “valuable residents” from the looming threat of deportation under a potential Trump administration. With a hint of desperation and a touch of political panic, Newsom seems convinced that a massive deportation effort would devastate California—not just economically, but politically. “If ICE comes in here and removes these individuals, well, who will be left to support me? The taxpayers?”
One can almost imagine the frenzy in the Newsom administration, a staff huddled around Google Maps of sanctuary cities, urgently strategizing how to keep California’s borders as open as a 24/7 taco stand. According to Newsom, deporting illegal immigrants would “not only rip families apart, but rip voting blocs apart,” a line that has drawn mixed reviews, particularly from legal citizens scratching their heads in confusion.
“California would be reduced to just Californians,” Newsom explained in a statement that left half the state clutching their reusable water bottles. “We cannot allow that. This is a matter of keeping our democracy diverse and... numerically fortified. Imagine the hardship I’d face if only legal residents were voting—especially since they’re a little, well, let’s say, less enthusiastic about my policies.”
Newsom elaborated on the dangers of Trump’s deportation plans: “Without these valuable, hardworking non-citizens, how would I maintain my power? Look, let’s be honest—who really wants to vote for Gavin? I know where my support lies, and it’s not with the folks who check the ‘U.S. Citizen’ box on forms.”
An Emergency Bill Proposal: The "Save Our Supporters Act"
To combat this impending voter crisis, Newsom has already drafted an emergency proposal titled the Save Our Supporters Act. The act promises to make every Californian a provisional state resident, regardless of citizenship status, and includes incentives for “frequent voter miles” that can be redeemed for anything from free parking in downtown San Francisco (a near impossibility) to priority access to the DMV’s exclusive six-month waiting list.
“It’s not about citizenship,” Newsom clarified, adjusting his designer spectacles for maximum sincerity. “It’s about heart, it’s about community, and yes, it’s about re-election. And you can’t spell ‘re-election’ without ‘elect’—something I might be in trouble with if I lose even a single block of my beloved immigrant base.”
California’s “Welcome Mat” Expanded to Include Personalized Addresses
As part of his promise to keep his base safe from Trump’s deportation policies, Newsom has also introduced a "Welcome Mat" initiative to send specially designed “I Voted (Regardless of Status)” stickers to every resident without questioning, well, their residency. Newsom even hinted at a system for direct ballot delivery right to their doors, allowing for “maximum electoral engagement with minimal... formalities.”
The Governor’s office insists that the policy has nothing to do with desperation. “We just believe that everyone should have the right to participate in the process, regardless of something as trivial as federal immigration laws,” said one of Newsom’s aides, grinning sheepishly. “After all, you don’t need to be a registered citizen to have feelings about Gavin Newsom.”
A “Misunderstood Patriot”
Newsom has since taken to Twitter, describing himself as a “misunderstood patriot,” and adding that “if loving my immigrant base is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.” He even posted a photograph of himself solemnly hugging a taco stand operator who may or may not be a U.S. citizen.
In the comments section, local citizens expressed skepticism. “So basically, you’re saying you’re going to ignore the law because you need the numbers,” one comment read, earning a like from none other than Ted Cruz. Newsom quickly followed up with a heartfelt message: “These are my people. And by ‘my people,’ I mean anyone who isn’t going to make it hard for me to win another election.”
Breaking Down Borders, But Not for Political Reasons
Despite public claims that he’s merely a humanitarian, Newsom’s administration has quietly admitted in a leaked memo that his real goal is simply to retain the largest possible base come election time. The memo, discovered by an intern in the printer tray, revealed a detailed breakdown of “voter loyalty rates by citizenship status,” with an asterisk by the phrase “highly dependent on undocumented community.”
This approach has turned heads nationwide, with critics calling Newsom’s stance “astounding” and “barely legal.” Yet, Newsom remains undeterred. “As I see it, laws are flexible,” he proclaimed at a recent press conference. “And what’s a little legal loophole here or there if it means keeping my support secure?”
California’s Future Under Newsom’s Iron (and Well-Moisturized) Grip
Newsom concluded his address with an ominous warning: “To deport these immigrants would be to tear apart the very fabric of our California democracy. And without them, who knows? I might actually have to do something about the other issues in this state, like housing prices or, heaven forbid, the quality of public education.”
Sources close to the administration report that Newsom has already ordered an emergency shipment of heart-shaped campaign buttons emblazoned with the words, “Every Voter Counts—Especially the Undocumented.”
Disclaimer: This article is pure parody, folks. In case the "California Socialist Republic" flag and our loveable tax-collecting bear didn’t tip you off, this is all in good fun. Governor Newsom, if you’re reading this—don’t worry, we’re just exercising our very American right to satire. No need to call in the meme police!
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