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Future-Proofing Corruption: Biden Signs Executive Order Pardoning All Democrats Until 2045 for Past, Present, and Even Future Crimes

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

Biden’s new justice system motto: ‘If you can’t beat the charges, just pardon them!


In an unprecedented move that could only be described as political absurdity, outgoing President Joe Biden signed an executive order pardoning every Democrat in America—past, present, and future—for any crime ever conceived, whether it’s violence, embezzling taxpayer dollars, and for crimes not even committed yet. The order, which extends preemptive pardons through the year 2045, also covers Biden’s sprawling family tree, which apparently rivals the population of a small American town.


Pardon-palooza: A Legal Time Machine

Biden defended the blanket pardon in a rambling press conference, during which he accused the incoming Trump administration of plotting a "political revenge tour." According to Biden, this executive order was necessary to prevent what he called “unfair accountability for doing stuff that might look bad later.”


“These folks are good people,” Biden said, gesturing vaguely toward a teleprompter that wasn’t turned on. “We’ve had four years of excellence, and Trump’s just jealous. He’s going to come after my people—heck, he’ll probably accuse me of eating ice cream on the taxpayer dime. Not fair. Not fair at all.”


The pardon applies to every Democrat in the country, including governors to dog catchers, state congressmen to PTA presidents. If you’ve ever voted blue, you’re covered. The blanket pardon is so comprehensive that legal experts are still scratching their heads. "Technically, this means if a Democratic governor decides to rob a bank next Tuesday, it’s already forgiven,” said American attorney and law professor Alan Dershowitz “It’s not so much a legal loophole as it is a legal black hole.”


A Family Affair

The scope of this pardon is unprecedented. The Family Pardons include a staggering 1,200 individuals spanning both the Joe and Jill Biden family trees. Biden clarified that "the list covers all  family members, from Hunter to “Cousin Larry who I think still lives in Scranton, or maybe it’s Delaware, who knows." "It’s all about protecting democracy," Biden assured reporters. "And by democracy, I mean… mine."


When asked why he included such an extensive roster of family members, Biden chuckled and replied, “You can’t be too careful these days. Trump will probably come after my second cousin’s babysitter’s dog walker’s neighbor if it means making me look bad!”


Family Pardons Include:


Hunter Biden: Hunter received an all-encompassing pardon for any and all laptop-related scandals, shady business dealings, or those pesky "unexplained suitcases of cash mysteriously appearing from foreign governments." This includes immunity for his role as an unofficial ambassador to Ukraine, China, and any other nation willing to foot the bill. Additionally, the pardon extends to “artistic endeavors” where paintings were purchased for six-figure sums by anonymous buyers. Biden justified this by claiming, “Hunter’s art speaks to the soul… especially the souls of people with deep pockets.”


Jill Biden: Jill Biden was preemptively pardoned for accusations of overstepping her unelected role as First Lady, including allegations she used her insistence on being called “Dr.” to fraudulently certify her husband as “mentally fit” for office. Though Jill’s doctorate is in education, she allegedly drafted medical memos stating, “Joe is sharper than a No. 2 pencil,” while reportedly prescribing ice cream as cognitive therapy. Critics have also raised eyebrows over her alleged involvement in unofficial cabinet meetings and a rumored plan to rebrand the White House as “Dr. Jill’s Center for Advanced Leadership.” The pardon ensures no one can ever question her honorary title—or her honorary role as the real decision-maker.


Other Family Members: An extended pardon was issued to over 1,200 Biden relatives, covering everything from unexplained wire transfers to eyebrow-raising “consulting fees” paid by foreign governments. The justification for these payments ranges from “family loyalty bonuses” to “strategic advice” like, “You should invest in Joe’s campaign, wink-wink.” The pardon even applies to family members who’ve never been accused of anything—just in case. Biden explained, “If you’re a Biden, you’re already guilty of being too darn successful. This protects them from jealousy, lawsuits, and those pesky subpoenas.”


Some of the more notable recipients include:


  • James Biden (Joe’s brother): Pardoned for helping foreign companies “navigate” U.S. policies by offering the exclusive service of “calling Joe.”

  • Valerie Biden Owens (Joe’s sister): Pardoned for directing campaign strategies that critics described as “family-first economics.”


Notably, the pardon also extends to Biden’s third cousins, twice removed, as well as their in-laws, exes, and “anyone named Joe.”



Biden Family: America’s New Royalty

With the Biden dynasty now legally untouchable for the next two decades, some are jokingly referring to the Bidens as America’s version of the British royal family — only with more classified documents stuffed in their garages.


"I’ve pardoned my son, my brother, and about 1,198 other Bidens," Biden said proudly. "It’s what any good patriarch would do. And by the way, I heard Jill’s second cousin Larry once jaywalked back in the ‘70s — well, not anymore! Pardoned, baby!"



Crimes That Haven’t Even Been Invented Yet

The executive order’s absurdity doesn’t stop at past and present crimes—it also covers crimes that haven’t been invented yet. “Look, technology’s moving fast,” Biden explained. “By 2045, there could be crimes involving robot mayors or time-traveling fraudsters. This pardon ensures Democrats are protected in the future because we’re, you know, progressive like that.”


Legal experts are scratching their heads — and not just because the ink on their law degrees is suddenly evaporating. Preemptive pardons for future crimes? Even Richard Nixon is probably blinking down from his Watergate penthouse and thinking, "Wow, I should’ve thought of that."

Critics are calling this "the most absurd abuse of power in American history." Supporters, however, say it’s just Joe being Joe. "He’s always looking out for his family and friends," said one enthusiastic Democrat. "Even if that means erasing crimes they haven’t even thought of committing yet!"


The Fear of Weaponized Justice

Biden insisted that this unprecedented move was necessary because Trump would “weaponize the Department of Justice.” When pressed for details, he pointed to the impeachment inquiries and investigations Democrats launched against Trump over the past eight years. “It’s a taste of our own medicine,” he muttered, “and frankly, I don’t like how it tastes.”


Biden’s paranoia reached new heights as he claimed Trump might even investigate him for “eating too much ice cream or for falling down the stairs on purpose.” When a reporter asked if he genuinely believed the American people would find this pardon acceptable, Biden paused, grinned, and said, “C’mon, man. They’ll forget about it by Tuesday.”



Peculiar Clauses in Biden’s Executive Order


The Nancy Pelosi Amendment: All stock trades made by Democratic lawmakers are now officially classified as "acts of clairvoyance," with the justification that these individuals possess a sixth sense for market trends that mere mortals cannot comprehend. As a result, they are permanently immune from SEC scrutiny, insider trading laws, and public outrage. Pelosi herself praised the amendment, claiming, "It’s not insider trading if you’re just really good at guessing.


The Campaign Violation Clause: A special pardon for Kamala Harris, covering both intentional and accidental campaign violations. Whether it's funneling donations to her sorority sisters, forgetting which microphone is live, or even bribing voters with free vasectomies and abortions, Harris is now absolved of all accountability. Biden explained, “We all know Kamala sometimes just laughs her way into trouble—this clause keeps her in the clear.”


The Treason Pardon: Granted to General Mark Milley for any crimes committed against the United States, including leaking classified information, secretly undermining presidential orders, or becoming China’s highest-ranking American spy. Milley is also forgiven for any future acts of espionage, provided he promises to text Biden a heads-up before committing them. The clause’s preamble reads, “Treason is just diplomacy with a twist.”


The Destruction of Evidence Pardon: Awarded to Liz Cheney and members of the January 6th Committee for their efforts to destroy evidence, suppress key witnesses, and rewrite historical events to fit their narrative. This pardon extends to lying under oath, deleting inconvenient emails, and using the shredder faster than a Vegas casino. Biden called their actions “a noble effort to protect democracy by removing anything that might make democracy look bad.”


The Crimes Against Humanity Clause: Bestowed upon Dr. Anthony Fauci, dubbed “The Embodiment of Science,” for his role in pandemic decisions that critics argue caused untold deaths. This clause absolves Fauci for everything from misleading the public to funding gain-of-function research—because, as Biden put it, “Sometimes you have to kill millions in the name of… I mean, for the greater good of science.” Fauci responded humbly, saying, “You don’t question science. And you don’t prosecute it either.”



What Happens Next?

The Republican response has been swift and, dare I say, elephant-sized. House Republicans have already drafted a bill titled the "No, Seriously, You Can’t Do That Act," which proposes to limit presidential pardon powers to crimes that have, you know, actually happened.

But Democrats aren’t worried. With their preemptive golden ticket, they’re already planning bold new policy initiatives, including "Crimes Without Consequences".


As for Joe Biden, he remains confident in his decision. "Look, here’s the deal," he said, polishing his aviators. "The American people want a leader who can forgive and forget. And by forget, I mean everything. God bless America, and God bless this executive order."




Final Thoughts: The Legacy of Absurdity

With his presidency now in the rearview mirror, Joe Biden’s final act has cemented his legacy— as the most corrupt president in American history.. By pardoning an entire political party and his own extended family tree, Biden has taken the concept of "accountability" and sent it packing on a one-way trip to oblivion.


As constitutional lawyers gear up for what promises to be a historic legal showdown, one thing is certain: Biden’s preemptive pardons have set a new standard for political lunacy. Whether history judges this move as a brilliant chess game or a laughable farce remains to be seen. But for now, Biden can rest easy, knowing his dog is safe from prosecution for biting a mailman in 2037.


Disclaimer:


In the spirit of parody and satire, certain liberties have been taken to enhance the comedic and absurd nature of this article. While the content pokes fun at the glaring absurdities of Biden’s pardons, it does so with the clear understanding that these actions—real or imagined—represent a profound affront to the American sense of justice.


From pardoning murderers on death row to granting immunity to his son, Hunter, for scandals that would make even the most seasoned defense attorney blush, these decisions mock the very principles of accountability. Adding to the insult, preemptive pardons for individuals like Fauci and Cheney for unnamed crimes only solidify what many already believe: trust in the American justice system is at an all-time low.


This article is meant to expose the lunacy of such actions through humor and hyperbole, but the truth remains—this level of corruption is a shame and a disgrace to the ideals upon which this country was built.







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