Following Biden's Instructions
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a turn of events causing widespread panic from coast to swamp, President Trump’s announcement of his intention to appoint Kash Patel as the next FBI Director has sent Deep State operatives, Democrats, and a certain species known as “RINOs” into a collective frenzy.
The media was still catching its breath from the shockwaves when Senator Dick Durbin, Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, rushed to the nearest podium to declare that President Trump “cannot simply fire Christopher Wray” and must allow the current FBI Director to serve until his term ends in 2027. When asked by reporters if he’d ever heard of Google, Durbin turned pale and muttered something about needing more time to consult his staff.
“Durbin doesn’t need Google,” one anonymous Capitol Hill staffer remarked. “He needs a civics lesson.”
Kash Patel: “Bulldog in a China Shop”
While critics have described Trump’s choice as a move to "politicize the FBI" (because apparently that’s never happened before), sources close to the former president say Patel was chosen precisely for his reputation as a no-nonsense bulldog.
“This guy isn’t coming in to rearrange the furniture,” said a Trump confidant. “He’s coming in with a sledgehammer to dismantle the FBI’s revolving door of corruption.”
For the uninitiated, Kash Patel has a track record of uncovering skeletons in government closets. His investigative prowess, combined with his sharp wit and unapologetic approach, has earned him admiration from conservatives and nightmares for bureaucrats. A former intelligence officer, Patel once famously exposed FBI misconduct during the Russia hoax investigation—proving he knows where the bodies are metaphorically buried. (Some say literally too, but that’s classified.)
Panic at the Deep State Disco
Reports from anonymous sources indicate that the prospect of Patel leading the FBI has triggered unprecedented levels of anxiety among Washington elites.
Nancy Pelosi was overheard muttering, “This is worse than when I lost the gavel.” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, speaking in his signature monotone, expressed “concern” that Patel might “rock the boat”—a euphemism for holding anyone accountable.
The D.C. rumor mill is abuzz with talk of impromptu seminars titled “How to Delete Evidence While on Vacation” and “Corruption Survival 101: A Workshop for Public Servants.”
Meanwhile, FBI agents are reportedly scrambling to shred documents, burn phone records, and—oddly—purchase one-way tickets to countries without extradition treaties.
Truth Bomb Incoming: Epstein and Diddy Lists Have Washington Sweating Bullets
But what’s really sending shockwaves through the corridors of power is Patel’s promise to drop a truth bomb the size of a small asteroid: releasing the long-coveted Jeffrey Epstein client list and the equally mysterious “P. Diddy list.” Politicians from both sides of the aisle have suddenly remembered urgent vacation plans and long-forgotten dental appointments.
“You can’t just release that kind of information!” wailed an unnamed senator while clutching his pearls (and possibly his alibi). “Think of the consequences—people might actually start holding us accountable!”
Rumor has it that shredders and white-out supplies are flying off shelves faster than toilet paper during a pandemic. Meanwhile, Patel shrugged off the panic. “Transparency isn’t scary unless you’ve got skeletons in your closet—or your private island.”
A Justice Revival? Or the Apocalypse?
Patel, when asked about the backlash, chuckled and said, “I’ve never been scared of politicians. They’re just bureaucrats with better parking spaces.” He went on to outline his vision of an FBI free from corruption, bias, and over-caffeinated agents raiding innocent Americans for owning too many MAGA hats.
“Justice isn’t dead,” Patel said in his announcement. “It’s just been hiding under a pile of bad leadership. Time to dig it out.”
Critics are framing the move as apocalyptic. MSNBC described the Patel appointment as “a coup against the bureaucracy,” while CNN simply flashed the words “Trump’s America: Kash-ed Out” over ominous music.
Conclusion: Buckle Up
While the media runs its standard Chicken Little routine and politicians rehearse their lines of outrage, regular Americans are left to wonder: could Kash Patel be the bulldog the FBI needs? One thing’s for sure—if Patel gets the green light, the Deep State won’t just be sweating. It’ll be sprinting.
As one anonymous FBI insider put it: “Kash Patel? Leading us? We’re doomed. I better start updating my LinkedIn profile.”
Stay tuned, America. The bulldog’s about to enter the china shop. And he’s not bringing a broom—he’s bringing justice.
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