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BREAKING NEWS: New Groping Scandal Rocks the Political World

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

Updated: Oct 29, 2024

A Stunning Revelation—Or Just Another Media Circus?


A shocking revelation has swept the nation, and "scandal" almost feels too small a word. Recently, The Guardian dropped a bombshell: a brave woman who has accused none other than Donald Trump of groping her back in 1951, when she was just 20 years old. With details so precise, it felt like you were standing right there beside her. She recalled the year, the location, and even the perfume she was wearing that day. The media erupted. You could hear collective gasps echoing from newsrooms coast to coast.


Democrats seized this golden opportunity with the fervor usually reserved for championship games. Kamala Harris labeled it “the scandal of a generation.” Tim Walz demanded Trump’s immediate resignation, and Nancy Pelosi, appearing more animated than a Pixar character, declared, “This is worse than Watergate. We can’t allow this kind of behavior to taint our country’s history books.” Even Hillary Clinton emerged, taking a brief pause from her television appearances to call for Trump to “do the right thing and step down.”


The media had a field day. Headlines blared accusations, and opinion pieces poured in, each one trying to outdo the last moral outrage. News anchors claimed that this will be Trump’s final undoing. The Democratic leadership, buoyed by a frenzy of celebration, called for investigations, hearings, resignations—you name it. America was on the edge of its seat. This was it! They had Trump right where they wanted him.


It seemed Trump was cornered. But just as the nation was ready to pass judgment, in walked Trump himself, armed with nothing more than a calculator and a commitment to basic math—something the hordes of fact-checkers had somehow conveniently missed. His findings were startling as he stated: "If this so-called event really happened in 1951, I would have been only five years old."


Yes, our supposed criminal mastermind , Donald Trump, would have been a kindergartner at the time, perhaps focused on tying his shoes or mastering the sandbox rather than any nefarious activities. Newsrooms went silent. You could almost hear the furious recalculations as reality sank in, turning those calls for resignation into a collective “Oops.”


Enter the Real October Surprise


The story above illustrates how fiction can sometimes seem all too real. Enter The Guardian's recent story from October 23rd—the much-anticipated "October surprise" liberals had promised. In this “bombshell” report, former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Stacey Williams claimed she was groped and manhandled by Trump in 1993 while leaving Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous brownstone. The story had everything: Trump, Epstein, and enough scandal to dominate the headlines.


Except for one tiny detail: Epstein didn’t purchase that brownstone until 1996. The event never happened. But in the rush to grab a headline, who needs a pesky timeline? The media didn’t hesitate, plastering this “October bombshell” across the nation and letting it work its magic, leaving those inconvenient details for later.


Disclaimer:

A friendly reminder that this article is satirical, exposing the absurdity of our current media establishment. While false accusations are no laughing matter, the leap from headlines to hysteria is comedic in its own right. This piece serves as a reminder: sometimes the lure of a sensational story barrels through the stop sign of basic fact-checking. So, when the next “scandal of the century” rolls around—especially if it involves Trump—grab a calculator and take a deep breath. You never know what a little math and commonsense might reveal about reality in the fiction.


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