Lvadies and Gentlemen, hold onto your trunks and suspend all logic for just a moment. The political world was shocked—and I mean SHOCKED—when Vice President Kamala Harris allegedly received $80 million in donations from 880,000 “mostly first-time donors” in a mere 24 hours. Yes, you read that right. Kamala Harris, the political equivalent of that forgotten grocery store avocado, suddenly became a fundraising juggernaut overnight. Forget polls, approval ratings, or the fact that she barely got 1% of the vote during her own 2020 presidential run—Kamala’s apparently now the queen of grassroots giving.
You know, I’ve heard of miracle workers, but this feels like watching a pigeon win a chess tournament. It’s cute until you realize it’s just pecking at random and someone behind the scenes is moving the pieces. Or, as some might call it—money laundering through ActBlue.
Now, for context, let’s remember who we’re talking about here. Kamala Harris—the VP who’s polling worse than a soggy cardboard cutout of Joe Biden in a windstorm. The woman with a 37% approval rating, which means roughly the same percentage of Americans who thought New Coke was a good idea are now rallying behind her. And somehow, SOMEHOW, 880,000 enthusiastic first-time donors thought, "You know who needs $80 million? Kamala!"
Uh huh. Sure.
The Case of the Missing Enthusiasm
Let’s take a moment to remember Harris’s presidential campaign in 2020. Blink and you missed it. It was like one of those infomercials that comes on at 3 AM. Nobody asked for it, nobody wanted it, and nobody really knows why it existed. After dropping out faster than a kid trying to avoid gym class, Harris went on to secure—checks notes—less than 1% of the vote in the Democratic primary.
But fast forward to 2024, and suddenly we’re expected to believe that 880,000 people who didn’t care about her before now can’t throw money at her fast enough? It’s as if a group of people were sitting around going, “You know what? That candidate I wasn’t interested in years ago—now I want her to have all my money.”
Maybe I’m being cynical here, but the last time I saw someone go from zero to $80 million in a day, there were Powerball numbers involved, and that’s at least believable.
ActBlue: Where the Magic Happens
Of course, the donations are being funneled through ActBlue, the Democratic Party’s favorite online fundraising tool and possibly the closest thing we have to a political ATM machine. And when I say “funneling,” I mean in the same way that squirrels “funnel” acorns into their tree for the winter. Except instead of acorns, it’s money. And instead of a tree, it’s a PAC that helps keep Kamala’s career on life support.
Is it just me, or does this have the faint whiff of freshly laundered cash? It’s like that scene in every crime movie where the guy asks, “How do you want the money, small bills or laundered through a digital platform?”
If you’ve never heard of ActBlue, don’t worry. They’re like that sketchy guy in the corner at your high school reunion who insists he’s in "investment banking" but can’t explain what he actually does. They claim that $80 million came from a bunch of grassroots donors, but have you ever noticed how many of those donors seem to have suspiciously similar names like "John Doe" and "Jane Wallet"?
880,000 People Must’ve Had Amnesia
Now, let’s address the real absurdity here. If Kamala Harris, the most forgettable VP since... wait, I forgot... if she suddenly inspired 880,000 fresh donors in less time than it takes Joe Biden to finish a sentence, something fishy is afoot. I’m no detective, but if 880,000 real people were this excited about anything, we’d have at least seen a couple of them on TikTok by now.
I mean, come on, these are the same “first-time” donors who, in all likelihood, still can’t tell you what Kamala’s job actually is. “Uh, is she in charge of... borders? Space travel? Paper clips?”
How Stupid Do They Think We Are?
Look, this story only makes sense if you completely abandon any remaining respect you had for math, polling, and common sense. We’re talking about a woman who struggled to keep her own presidential campaign afloat, and now she’s rolling in $80 million? It’s like watching a movie where the protagonist is broke, but by the end of the second act, they’re living in a mansion made of solid gold with no explanation.
So, how stupid do they think people are? Apparently, stupid enough to believe that a politician who’s polling somewhere between "meh" and "oh no" is now the darling of millions of excited, never-before-seen donors. It’s like trying to sell ice to penguins... who already own a fridge.
Conclusion: The Kamala Coincidence
In conclusion, folks, I think we all know what’s going on here. No one’s buying that Kamala Harris, the same person who once struggled to fill a room with voters, suddenly has 880,000 money-flinging superfans. This is what happens when you use ActBlue like a magical laundry machine, and voilà, Kamala’s campaign is somehow drenched in cash.
But hey, who am I to question it? Maybe next, we’ll see Kamala win “Most Popular” in the Democratic yearbook. Or maybe, just maybe, she’ll even get more than 1% of the vote this time around.
Nah, that’s too far-fetched, even for this plot twist.
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