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Breaking News. General Milley's Missing Portrait Found

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

Milley’s leadership is so inspiring, even his shadow refuses to follow him.

If incompetence were a medal, Milley would be the most decorated general in history
If incompetence were a medal, Milley would be the most decorated general in history

In a shocking twist that has left Washington buzzing, the missing portrait of retired Gen. Mark Milley, prominently displayed in the Pentagon's hallowed hall of former Joint Chiefs of Staff, has been located. And no, it wasn't in a dark corner of some undisclosed storage facility or quietly shipped to a Smithsonian basement. Instead, the infamous painting has found a new home on the wall inside the Oval Office, where it now serves as the centerpiece of a custom-made dartboard.


Sources close to the the president confirmed that Milley's portrait was discovered in a box labeled “Swamp Stuff – For Laughs Only” during Trump's routine “inventory check” of recently acquired memorabilia. “When I saw Milley's face, I thought, ‘This has potential,’” Trump reportedly said. “Great dartboard material—probably the best dartboard anyone’s ever had.”


According to White House staff, the portrait was quickly mounted onto a rotating frame with blinking LED lights, creating what Trump calls his “Wheel of Accountability.” The game is simple: toss a dart at Milley's forehead while yelling, “You’re fired!” Staff members claim it’s become a nightly ritual for the president, often accompanied by commentary like, “Treason, meet precision!” and, “This bullseye is better than anything Milley ever hit in Afghanistan.”


Guests at the White House have been invited to join in the fun, with Trump personally coaching them on proper dart-throwing technique. One anonymous guest revealed, “He said to aim for the part of the portrait where Milley’s chest full of medals is. Trump told me, ‘They’re fake anyway—just like CNN!’” The guest noted that Trump even joked about introducing an official tournament, calling it the “MAGA Dart Championship: The Art of the Throw.”


The portrait itself, however, hasn’t gone unscathed. White House insiders report that Milley's face now resembles a Dalmatian thanks to a sea of dart holes. In an effort to maintain historical accuracy, Trump reportedly hired a decorator to repaint Milley’s expression so that it looks “appropriately startled, like when you leave billions in military equipment behind.”


The Milley Dartboard has also inspired a flurry of entrepreneurial ideas. Trump is said to be working with his team to mass-produce smaller versions for MAGA rallies. “We’re calling it the ‘Traitor Toss,’” said an unnamed staffer. “It’ll be bigly, just like everything else Trump touches.” Rumors are swirling that proceeds will go toward a campaign to replace Milley’s portrait in the Pentagon with a velvet painting of Trump dressed as a Revolutionary War general.


As for Milley, he has remained characteristically silent on the matter. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the retired general said, “We have no information on the location of the portrait. But if it’s become a dartboard, well, at least someone’s finally using it for strategy.”


Back at the Oval Office, Trump sees things differently. “You know, they said Milley’s portrait was missing, but we found it,” he declared to his dart-throwing audience over Diet Coke and Big Macs. “Once again, I’m solving problems nobody else could. Tremendous leadership, believe me. Sad for Milley, but fantastic for darts.”


The saga of Milley’s portrait has taken on a life of its own, with many speculating what new twists lie ahead. Will Milley’s visage find itself on a carnival dunk tank at the next Trump rally? Or perhaps immortalized as the face of a new Whac-A-Mole game? One thing is certain: wherever it lands, it will always be, as Trump put it, “the most disgraced portrait in Pentagon history.”


And in a poetic final jab, a sign beneath the dartboard reads: “Portraits of Integrity, General Milley Not Included.”

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