Healing America, one triggered liberal at a time.
In a move hailed as “historic” by the White House and “a comedy goldmine” by the rest of the country, President Joe Biden has announced the creation of 1,000 Orange Man Recovery Centers across America. These cutting-edge facilities are dedicated to helping those suffering from the debilitating effects of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). "We can’t just let these people wander around untreated,” Biden said, reading his teleprompter upside down.
Who Are These Centers For?
The Orange Man Recovery Centers are specifically designed to cater to the most vulnerable demographics among the radical Left. Here’s a quick look at the key groups:
The Bs (No Birth, No Boyfriends, No Brain):
Known for their 4B mantra: No sex, no birth, no dating, no marriage with men. Because what better way to fight the patriarchy than by making sure your cat is your only beneficiary?
The De-Fertilization Society:
These are women who sterilized themselves out of fear that Trump would personally show up at their homes to revoke their reproductive rights. “We had to do something drastic,” one member said. “No one’s going to stop me from doing something no one was actually trying to stop me from doing.”
The Rob Reiner Memorial Arsonists:
For those who, like Rob Reiner, promised to set themselves on fire if Trump won—and then didn’t. Rob is reportedly considering a part-time job as the Center’s “fire safety ambassador.”
The Bette Midler Drano Enthusiasts:
Members of this group took their cues from Bette Midler, who boldly declared she would drink Drano if Trump were re-elected. Orange Man Recovery Centers offer Drano-free beverages and hope.
Keith Olbermann’s Basement Dwellers:
Led by Keith Olbermann himself, this group spends their days yelling into webcams from undisclosed locations. Orange Man Recovery Centers will provide soundproof rooms for their therapeutic shouting.
Jimmy Kimmel’s Cry Squad:
Dedicated to those who have been in the fetal position since November 2016. One therapy session is dedicated to teaching patients to cry standing up—progress is progress.
The Emoji Activists:
X warriors who’ve spent years using ALL CAPS and a million exclamation marks to save democracy. Therapy sessions include finger massages and workshops titled “Why Logic is Not Your Enemy.”
The Handmaid’s Tale Cosplayers
Women who bought red robes in bulk and wore them to protests, convinced that they were living out the show. We provide sewing kits for new hobbies and classes in “Life Beyond Hulu.”
Top-Notch Services Offered
The Orange Man Recovery Centers have left no stone unturned in ensuring recovery for America’s most hysterical:
Reality Reintroduction Therapy: Helping patients identify the difference between actual policies and the latest Netflix drama.
Blame Rehabilitation: Teaching clients how to find healthier scapegoats for their problems and how to take responsibility for their choices.
Safe Space Simulators: Role-playing exercises that teach survival skills for encountering opposing views. Practicing coping with opinions you don’t agree with in a controlled, nurturing environment.
Delusion Deprogramming: Re-aligning fears of dystopia with facts from reality.
Triggered to Tranquil Yoga: Calming sessions with mantras like “It’s just a president… It’s just a president…”
Art Therapy: Reimagining a Brighter Future: Channel your creativity into painting calm sunsets instead of angry protest signs.
Echo Chamber Detox: A carefully curated program to reduce dependence on Twitter, MSNBC, and TikTok activism.
Celebrity Endorsements
In a surprise move, the Centers have even received endorsements from some of TDS’s most iconic sufferers. “This is the safest place I’ve been since my underground bunker,” Keith Olbermann confessed. Jimmy Kimmel added, “I cried tears of joy. And then I just kept crying." Rob Reiner, meanwhile, said, “I was going to light myself on fire for attention, but this is a much better outlet for my dramatic tendencies.”
Summary: Reclaiming Reality, One Hysteric at a Time
As President Biden concludes his term, the Orange Man Recovery Centers may be his most impactful legacy. While some might argue that funding 1,000 facilities for imaginary ailments is questionable, there’s no denying the Centers’ potential to at least contain the hysteria.
With group therapy for the faint-hearted, yoga for the perpetually triggered, and Keith Olbermann-proof padded rooms, the Centers promise a brighter future—for everyone who can’t handle an orange man living rent-free in their heads.
And who knows? Maybe after a few sessions, these patients will finally realize… it’s just politics.
Disclaimer:
While some may be disappointed to learn that this article is purely a parody, we’d like to remind everyone that, given the state of our country over the past four years, the concept of Orange Man Recovery Centers might not be as far-fetched as it sounds. After all, providing safe spaces for TDS sufferers to reconcile their imaginations with reality could do wonders for national sanity. But for now, let’s all take a deep breath, laugh a little, and remember—this is just satire… or is it?
Comments