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BREAKING: Chuck Schumer Declares National Guacamole Crisis, Demands Open Borders to Save Super Bowl Snacks

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

Avocado Toast Matters



WASHINGTON, D.C.— In what experts are calling the most pressing issue of our time, Senator Chuck Schumer took to the podium Sunday to sound the alarm on a humanitarian crisis: the potential rise in the price of beer and guacamole due to Trump’s border policies.


“Let me be clear,” Schumer said, dramatically removing his glasses and squinting as if reading from an invisible teleprompter. “The biggest threat facing Americans today is not illegal immigration, fentanyl trafficking, violence against Americans, or cartel violence. No, my friends—it’s the cost of avocados and lime-flavored cerveza.”


The senator then held up a Corona bottle like Lady Liberty hoisting her torch, his voice trembling with righteous indignation. “What is Super Bowl Sunday without beer? Without guac? Without…nachos?” he paused for effect. “I’ll tell you what it is. A dark, dystopian hellscape. A world where Trump’s MAGA extremists force you to dip your chips in… hummus!


Schumer Declares “Economic Guacamole Emergency"


The press conference, which was originally intended to address concerns over crime and border security, quickly derailed into what some are calling The Great Avocado Panic of 2025.


“We are teetering on the brink of destruction,” Schumer warned, clutching a half-eaten taco. “These tariffs mean higher prices on guacamole, limes, and tequila. And what happens when Americans can’t afford guac? Riots. Chaos. A complete breakdown of democracy!”


Sources confirm that Schumer’s office is already drafting emergency legislation titled The Affordable Avocados for All Act, which would establish sanctuary super markets where guacamole could be obtained free of charge to any American in need—except Republicans, who will be required to pay a Guac Privilege Tax.


Trump Responds: “Maybe Chuck Should Care About Border Security More Than Burritos”


When asked about Schumer’s dire warning, former President Donald Trump responded with his signature bluntness.


“Chuck Schumer is very concerned about his nachos, okay? But when we talk about securing the border and stopping fentanyl, murders and rapes, and all of a sudden, he’s got a problem,” Trump said. “Maybe if criminals disguised themselves as taco trucks, Chuck would finally care about border security.”


The former president then assured the American people that while they may feel “some pain” from tariffs, they wouldn’t be losing any sleep over it. “Trust me, folks—Americans love their guac, but they love not getting carjacked even more.”


Democrats Introduce “No Chip Left Behind” Bill


In response to Trump’s crackdown on illegal immigration, Democratic lawmakers introduced new legislation ensuring all future shipments of avocados, beer, and tequila would be given expedited entry into the U.S., bypassing border security entirely.


“We must keep our priorities straight,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, dramatically wiping away an imaginary tear. “It’s about humanity. It’s about culture. It’s about making sure every American can afford a $17 margarita at their local woke-themed bar.”


Meanwhile, back in New York, Schumer doubled down on his warnings, pointing a trembling finger at reporters. “Do you really want to live in a world where you can’t afford guac at Chipotle? Because that’s what Trump wants.”


Final Warning: “America’s Future Hangs on a Tortilla Chip”


As the press conference reached its climax, Schumer called for urgent action. “Americans must rise up and demand justice for their game day snacks! Call your senators! March in the streets! Boycott non-avocado-related foods! This is a fight for our very existence!”


At press time, sources confirmed that Schumer had already placed a $4,000 bulk avocado order through a private loophole in the legislation, ensuring he would not be personally affected by the price hikes.


Meanwhile, a leaked interview revealed former President Biden’s bewildered response when asked about the so-called "Guacamole Crisis." Scratching his head, Biden reportedly muttered, "Listen, folks, I love guacamoles—great guy. Used to see him at the Amtrak station all the time. Always had a firm handshake." Aides quickly intervened, whispering that guacamole is, in fact, a food. Biden nodded, then added, "Right, right—the green stuff! You know, back in my day, we just called it mashed peas and put it on toast. No big deal."


As Schumer continues his crusade to protect Super Bowl snacks, Americans are left wondering why a senator is more outraged over the price of guacamole than the flood of fentanyl killing thousands or the surge of violent crime linked to open borders. While Schumer fights to keep nachos affordable, families mourn loved ones lost to policies he refuses to address. But hey, at least the avocado toast crowd knows where his priorities lie.




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