“Look, We Were Just Kidding!” – Hollywood’s Hasty Retreat From Its Own Threats
Well, folks, we’ve seen it all now. Trump is officially back in the White House, and we’re witnessing the great Hollywood backpedal of 2024. All those bold promises from celebrities—swearing they’d pack up and relocate to distant lands if Trump won—have, shall we say, hit a bit of turbulence. Turns out, leaving behind multimillion-dollar mansions, adoring fans, and in Whoopi’s case, New York delis, is easier said than done.
These brave, outspoken stars were ready to ditch their beloved America over election results…until it was time to actually go. Now, they’re doing everything short of grabbing a megaphone and saying, “Oops, we didn’t mean it that way!” Let’s check in on this dramatic reversal, where every “I’ll move if he wins” has magically turned into “I was misquoted.”
George Clooney: “Italy’s Nice, But I Forgot About My Pool”
First up is George Clooney, who spent the last few years saying that if Trump were re-elected, he’d be gone. Italy! Wine! Olive trees! But suddenly, George seems to be having a vino-fueled change of heart. When pressed for comment, Clooney sheepishly admitted, “You know, I just remembered how hard it is to get decent Wi-Fi in a 17th-century Italian villa.”
Apparently, Clooney’s glamorous “escape to Italy” plan started to lose its charm once he realized that importing organic oat milk and triple-shot espressos could be a logistical nightmare. “Plus, I’m needed here,” Clooney said in his trademark solemn tone. Needed for what, you ask? To make sure people don’t actually think he was serious.
Robert De Niro: Threatens Luxembourg, Then Quietly Reconsiders
Robert De Niro, our “tough guy” who famously vowed to take his talents to Luxembourg if Trump won, now insists the threat was “mostly symbolic.” When asked why he was still in Hollywood, De Niro mumbled something about “logistical delays” and “needing to water his plants.”
Turns out Luxembourg didn’t quite roll out the red carpet for De Niro’s arrival either, as it turns out they have more cows than actors and few good bagel shops. A representative for De Niro says he’s “seriously thinking about it,” which in Hollywood means “I’m staying put.” Besides, what’s the point of an angry rant if there’s no camera crew to capture it?
Taylor Swift: “Moving Abroad? I’d Never, Ever Really Leave You, America”
Taylor Swift, America’s s - heartbreaker - had promised to leave the country if Trump were re-elected. Scotland, Ireland, anywhere with lots of mist and low lighting. But now? She’s clinging to America like it’s her ex in one of her chart-topping breakup ballads.
Taylor is now rebranding her previous threats as “creative metaphor.” “I just meant I’d go where my heart takes me, you know? Maybe spend a week in the UK, feel out the vibes,” she clarified. Apparently, the hassle of transporting her six cats and grand piano “inspired a re-think.” Rest assured, America: Taylor is staying right here, and she has a new single about it titled “Never Ever Really Leaving (For Real This Time).”
Whoopi Goldberg: “You Guys Took Me Seriously?!”
Whoopi Goldberg was adamant that she’d be heading north to Canada if Trump won. But now that he has, Whoopi’s singing a different tune—something about “not realizing how cold it gets up there.” On The View, Whoopi assured her fans, “I’m just not ready to leave New York! The bagels, the hustle, the overpriced organic groceries. I mean, Canada’s nice, but come on.”
Her co-hosts exchanged a few suspicious glances, and insiders tell us that Whoopi has been frantically checking for any available TV jobs north of the border “just in case” the heat on her rhetoric turns up. In the meantime, she’s assured viewers that her “plans to relocate” are more of a spiritual journey than a literal one. Translation: she’s staying right where she is—New York, baby.
Rob Reiner: “I Never Meant Literally Light Myself on Fire!”
Then there’s Rob Reiner, who said he’d set himself on fire if Trump won. That’s right—he promised a self-immolation spectacle that would go down in history. But now that the flames of Trump’s return are very much ablaze, Reiner’s dialing it down, hard.
In a stunning twist, Rob now claims he meant “figuratively” light himself on fire. “Come on, people. That was clearly a metaphor,” he told reporters, although his team quietly added that he’s no longer even interested in “symbolic combustion.” Reiner’s spokesperson released a statement clarifying that he’s “committed to democratic discourse” and that “setting oneself ablaze is, in hindsight, excessive.”
It’s nice to see a guy brave enough to go right up to the edge of his own principles…and then step back very, very carefully.
Barack Obama: Still Eyeing That Villa…But Only For Vacations
And let’s not forget former President Barack Obama, who toyed with the idea of relocating to Spain, maybe Greece, anywhere with a golf course and better Wi-Fi. When asked if he’s making good on his plan to head to the Mediterranean, Obama chuckled, saying, “Look, I love America. I’m not going anywhere. Except maybe a little villa in Ibiza now and then, but just for long weekends.”
Insiders report that Michelle is less than thrilled at the prospect of keeping both a Chicago address and a European beach house. But for now, the Obamas are firmly planted stateside, quietly reassuring fans that they love America too much to leave it behind—at least until winter rolls around.
The Great Celebrity Exodus That Wasn’t
So, there you have it, folks. The great celebrity exodus of 2024 has turned into the great celebrity reshuffle. One by one, Hollywood’s boldest anti-Trump voices have found their roots firmly planted in the American soil they threatened to abandon. Turns out the whole “I’m leaving if he wins” line is easier to deliver than an actual goodbye.
When it comes down to it, the so-called champions of democracy, who are apparently ready to flee the second a vote doesn’t go their way, are all still here. After all, nothing says “I love my country” like threatening to leave it, and nothing says “I’m serious” quite like a dramatic backpedal.
And hey, it’s good to know that when the chips are down, these stars are just as committed to America as they are to their press releases. So, settle in, America—the celebs are staying. And if you see a star at your local coffee shop ordering a triple-shot no-foam soy latte, don’t be surprised. They love this country, alright—just enough to never, ever actually leave it.
Related 1 minute read: Celebrity List
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