Crenshaw called Catturd an "anonymous coward" — says the guy threatening legal action over tweets.
It seems Congress has a new sheriff—or at least, one who’s now moonlighting as a legal vigilante. Texas Representative Dan Crenshaw, aka "Captain RINO" to his detractors, has reportedly locked horns with a mysterious internet entity known only as Catturd. In a tale that sounds more like a fever dream of politics, Twitter/X, and bad investments, Crenshaw’s latest crusade has nothing to do with policy, the border, or even Texas—it’s all about defending his stock portfolio’s honor.
Act I: The Accusation
Our story begins with Catturd, a self-proclaimed feline freedom fighter, who dared to scratch at the pristine armor of Crenshaw's reputation. In a series of tweets sharper than a cat's claws, Catturd alleged that Crenshaw was engaging in the shady practice of insider trading while moonlighting as a cheerleader for congressional pay raises. Cue the dramatic music.
Catturd’s posts quickly went viral, as the internet loves nothing more than a good fight between a congressman and an anonymous cat avatar. People joked, memed, and speculated—because what’s politics without a side of absurdity? However, Crenshaw was not amused.
Act II: The Threat
Crenshaw’s response was swift, fiery, and… oddly specific. He labeled Catturd an “anonymous coward,” claiming, “You don’t know the first thing about what I do or how much money I don’t have!” (Side note: That last part is what every politician says before their offshore account leaks.) But he didn’t stop there—Crenshaw allegedly hinted at potential legal action if the tweets weren’t removed.
It’s worth noting that threatening to sue someone named Catturd is already comedy gold. Imagine explaining that to your lawyer:
Crenshaw: “I’m suing Catturd.”
Lawyer: “Sir, did you just say ‘Catturd’?”
Crenshaw: “Yes, and they’re ruining my career.”
Lawyer: “Your career… or your portfolio?”
Act III: The Stock Market Shenanigans
Catturd’s allegations stemmed from recent headlines about Crenshaw’s uncanny success in the stock market—success that would make Warren Buffett raise an eyebrow. Crenshaw, however, dismissed the accusations, claiming he’s “only ever had $20,000 in the stock market.” (That’s $20,000 more than most Americans, but hey, who’s counting?)
When asked about his position on banning congressional stock trading, Crenshaw said it ranked “number 1,000” on his priority list. A bold statement from someone who apparently didn’t mind ranking number one on insider trading watchlists.
Fox News anchor Jesse Watters even chimed in, stating, “This is what corruption looks like.” But Crenshaw brushed it off as “bull**** headlines.” (Perhaps the real bull market was the friends we made along the way?)
Act IV: The Internet Responds
As Crenshaw’s feud with Catturd escalated, the internet did what it does best—turning the whole debacle into a circus. Memes of Crenshaw in a pirate hat demanding, “Who defamed my good name?!” flooded social media. One user quipped, “Dan Crenshaw threatening to sue Catturd is like a Bond villain trying to fight a Looney Tunes character. Who wins? We do.”
Another noted, “Catturd has nine lives. Dan only has one seat in Congress. Good luck, buddy.”
Act V: A Resolution?
At press time, Catturd had not removed the tweets, and Crenshaw had not yet filed a lawsuit. Legal experts, however, are already speculating about the court case, should it ever happen. Imagine the trial of the century: Crenshaw v. Catturd. The jury would need therapy after sitting through that one.
A Word of Caution
While we at The Elephants Den strive to bring you the most accurate satire this side of the swamp, we’d like to note that this article is purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to real insider trading scandals, legal threats, or egos larger than the national debt is purely coincidental.
In conclusion, perhaps Crenshaw should remember an age-old adage: Don’t pick fights with people who buy catnip in bulk.
Special Bonus Section:
Catturd is reportedly considering a counter-threat: suing Crenshaw for making him laugh so hard he spilled his Fancy Feast. Stay tuned.
Comments