Biden’s "go big or go home" pardons now include family members, future generations, and possibly the neighbor’s dog.
In a move that left constitutional scholars, legal experts, and common sense scrambling for a safe place to hide, President Joe Biden is considering preemptive pardons for Dr. Fauci, Adam Schiffe and Liz Cheney for crimes they have not committed—but might someday be accused of committing by future administrations. You know, just in case.
This decision comes amid growing concerns about President Biden's cognitive abilities, concerns echoed not only by the findings of Special Counsel Robert Hur's recent report but also by members of Biden's own party which suggests that Biden's ability to effectively lead the country is deeply conflicted, raising questions about whether he should even finish out his term.
Yet, in an irony too absurd for fiction, the same man deemed too impaired to handle basic legal scrutiny is somehow trusted to make decisions of national consequence, like issuing preemptive pardons. It’s like asking a surgeon who just failed their vision test to operate on your brain. Or like entrusting a pilot who can't read their instruments to land a jumbo jet in a thunderstorm. Biden’s use of executive authority feels less like leadership and more like a game of Russian roulette—except everyone else is the one holding their breath.
Biden Explains His Logic—Kind Of
Answering reporters questions in the Rose Garden, Biden explained his logic—or rather, his lack thereof.
“Listen, folks, these great public servants have worked tirelessly for this country. And sure, nobody’s officially charged them of committing any crimes. But with Trump coming back, who knows? It’s better to be safe than sorry,” said Biden, staring off into the middle distance. “So I’m giving them a pardon for every single crime they did not commit. Every single one. All of them.”
The reporters visibly perplexed, thanked the president but sought clarification. “So, just to be clear, Mr. President, you’re pardoning them for crimes they didn’t commit?”
“That’s right,” Biden said. “It’s like preemptive justice! They didn’t do anything wrong, and now nobody can say they did because I pardoned them for not doing it. Makes perfect sense.”
Another reporter trying to process asked, “Okay… so… when exactly didn’t they commit these crimes?”
Biden paused, squinting as though he were deciphering a complex crossword puzzle. “Well, uh… I guess the whole time? From birth! Yeah, I’m pardoning them for every single second they spent not committing these crimes. That’s how generous I am. No malarkey!”
The Absurdity of "Not-Guilty Pardons"
Legal experts were quick to point out that preemptively pardoning someone for crimes they didn’t commit isn’t just unprecedented—it’s completely insane.
“This is like pardoning someone for returning library books on time or forgiving someone for watering their plants too diligently,” said Professor Harold Browning of Georgetown Law. “The whole point of a pardon is to absolve someone of actual wrongdoing. Biden’s approach effectively turns the justice system into an SNL sketch.”
Even some Democrats seemed baffled by the move. “Look, we think highly of these public servants, but this is bizarre,” one anonymous senator admitted. “What’s next? A pardon for Santa Claus for breaking and entering? A blanket pardon for Superman for unauthorized aerial surveillance? This whole thing is just ridiculous. ”
Setting a Dangerous Precedent
Critics argue this bizarre pardon not only mocks the very concept of justice but also sets a dangerous precedent. What happens when every public figure starts demanding pardons for crimes they haven’t committed? “This opens the floodgates for public officials to claim a ‘get-out-of-jail-free card’ for hypothetical wrongdoing,” said one anonymous critic. “It’s not just absurd—it’s a complete abandonment of accountability.”
And, of course, there’s the lingering question of whether President Biden fully understands what a pardon even is. Sources close to the White House allege he recently asked aides if he could “pardon Corn Pop for jaywalking” or if he could pardon his daughter Ashley "for writing embarrassing things in her diary" or even grant clemency to other family members for any past, present or future... creative business endeavors.’”
The Mockery of Justice
At its core, this decision underscores the sheer absurdity of Biden's actions. Here we have a president who can barely finish a sentence without confusing his wife for his sister, now doling out all-encompassing pardons for absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, pressing national issues like inflation, border security, and rising global tensions are relegated to the sidelines, treated as mere afterthoughts in the circus that is Washington, D.C.
To make matters worse, this announcement has opened the floodgates for others to request preemptive pardons of their own. Insiders report that figures like Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton are already preparing their applications. “If Fauci gets a lifetime pardon for not committing crimes, why not me?” Hillary was reportedly overheard saying.
This debacle leaves Americans asking tough questions: Is Biden senile, lying, or simply in denial about the absurdity of his actions? Perhaps it’s all three, creating a trifecta of confusion that leaves even his most loyal supporters scratching their heads.
In his closing remarks, Biden inadvertently summed up the nature of his decision. “Look, folks, the thing is… when you think about it… uh… well, anyway, God bless America,” he said before wandering offstage to pet an imaginary dog.
As for Fauci, Schiff, and Cheney, they may go down in history as the first Americans to receive lifetime pardons for crimes they didn’t commit—but they certainly won’t be the last. At this rate, the line for preemptive pardons might soon rival the one for Taylor Swift tickets.
And if the rumors are true, Biden may be taking this to an entirely new level with what some are calling a "preemptive pardon on steroids." Allegedly, he’s floating the idea of pardons that not only cover the specific individual but also extend to their immediate family, offspring, and even future generations. “You know the term, folks—‘go big or go home!’” Biden was reportedly overheard saying to aides.
As 2024 looms, one can only wonder: What other crimes will be pardoned before they’re even imagined? Stay tuned
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