Hunter Biden: The only man in history to have more immunity than a vaccine factory.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented move that has left legal experts, comedians, and conspiracy theorists scratching their heads, President Joe Biden announced the introduction of the “Forever Pardon,” a revolutionary new form of executive clemency that not only absolves an individual of all past crimes but also preemptively forgives them for any future misdeeds they might commit.
“Folks, look, here’s the deal,” Biden began at a hastily assembled press conference in the Rose Garden. “We’ve all had moments we’d rather not talk about. Some of us just have a few… uh… more of those moments than others.” He smiled knowingly at his son, Hunter Biden, seated in the front row holding a celebratory cigar. “That’s why I’m proud to introduce the Biden Forever Pardon – the ultimate expression of presidential compassion and forward-thinking justice.”
What Is the Biden Forever Pardon?
Unlike traditional pardons, which merely wipe away the stains of past offenses, the Forever Pardon creates what legal scholars are calling a “full-spectrum shield of infallibility.” Recipients are granted absolute immunity from prosecution for any crime they may have committed, may currently be committing, or may one day decide to commit—accidentally or otherwise.
Attorney General Merrick Garland, visibly supportive of this new pardon, and hoping to receive one himself told reporters, “Think of it as a legal Infinity Gauntlet,” Garland said. “Snap your fingers, and poof—no accountability.”
Hunter’s Wild Ride
Hunter Biden was, of course, the first recipient of this groundbreaking clemency. His list of pre-pardoned activities includes:
Losing track of five laptops, each containing “absolutely nothing” incriminating.
Writing off “tax-deductible art supplies” that included gold-leaf crack pipes.
Accidentally misplacing classified documents, allegedly while using them to balance a wobbly coffee table.
Listing “lobbying for China” as a freelance gig on LinkedIn.
“I’m honored, really,” Hunter told reporters while autographing copies of his latest art installation, Oil on Fingerprint. “This Forever Pardon takes a lot of the guesswork out of my future. I mean, who hasn’t wondered, ‘Will this be the time I finally get caught?’ Not anymore. Thanks, Dad!”
Extreme Examples to Test the Pardon’s Limits
Critics have raised concerns about the broader implications of the Forever Pardon. Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) sarcastically referred to it as “a get-out-of-jail-free card… forever,” while Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called it “a beautiful step toward restorative justice—why stop at Hunter?”
When asked if the Forever Pardon would protect someone like Donald Trump, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre chuckled nervously and changed the subject.
Public Reaction
Reactions have been mixed. Supporters hailed it as a “bold reimagining of justice,” while detractors labeled it “a constitutional crisis dressed in aviator sunglasses.”
Not to be outdone, Kamala Harris chimed in during a press Q&A, suggesting the Forever Pardon could “empower equity” by allowing marginalized communities to preemptively pardon their oppressors. “Imagine forgiving someone before they even have a chance to do you wrong,” she kackled.
Special Bonus: A New Holiday
Biden closed his announcement by proposing “Forever Forgiveness Day,” a new federal holiday that would commemorate the launch of the Forever Pardon. When asked how this would impact the rule of law, Biden waved dismissively and declared, “C’mon, man, it’s 2024—who needs laws anyway?”
As the event wrapped up, Hunter’s attorney reportedly submitted paperwork to trademark the phrase “Immunity Idol” for a line of collectible figurines celebrating his dad’s new policy. Sources say sales are expected to soar.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. The Forever Pardon is not real, though when it comes to Joe Biden, it feels like it might be.
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