In a spectacle that rivaled the celestial event itself, President Joe Biden turned a routine cabinet meeting into an impromptu storytelling session, reminiscing about his boyhood days of eclipse-watching through a pinhole in a box. Disregarding modern safety norms and the sage advice of his personal physician, Dr. Kevin O'Connor, President Biden announced his plan to shun commercially available solar eclipse glasses in favor of a DIY viewer, much to the bewilderment of his staff and the chagrin of Dr. Jill Biden, who, with her towering intellect bolstered by her Ed.D., supported the president's nostalgic endeavor.
The tale took a whimsical turn as the President, ensconced in his Delaware garage amidst an aura of classified documents, embarked on a seven-hour odyssey to construct what he deemed the "mother of all solar eclipse shoeboxes." This masterpiece, as he proudly proclaimed to Dr. Jill Biden, was not merely a cardboard contraption, but a monument to intellectual brilliance and childhood ingenuity.
On the day of the eclipse, amidst the vigilant watch of Secret Service agents and the bemused gaze of his family, President Biden nearly engaged in an astronomical misadventure, mistaking his shoe for the cosmos through his pinhole viewer. Thanks to the timely intervention of a perceptive six-year-old, the President managed to correct his course and witness the eclipse, albeit not without consequence.
Post-eclipse, amidst applause from attendees, an unforeseen drama unfolded as the President developed a headache, leading to a swift departure in the presidential limousine. The diagnosis was acute solar retinopathy, a condition attributed not to the makeshift viewing device but to a heretofore unknown plot by Donald Trump, according to Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff, and Chuck Schumer, who vowed legal retribution.
As President Biden recuperates, indulging in his beloved ice cream, rumors swirl around the future of the Biden Solar Machine. Amid whispers of a staggering 95% discount, the proceeds are slated for the Hunter Biden and Ukrainian Relief Fund, marking an unexpected pivot in presidential merchandising.
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