The Biden Presidential Library on Wheels: making history... one pothole at a time.
In a move that no one saw coming, President Joe Biden’s dream of an expansive presidential library is being downsized to… a mobile library truck. Yes, you heard that right—the Biden Library on Wheels is about to hit a pothole-ridden road near you.
This unexpected pivot comes as major Democratic donors, disillusioned by Biden’s decision to pardon his son Hunter Biden despite vowing “no one is above the law,” have decided to tighten their purse strings. Rumors abound that donors were initially ready to fund a sprawling library, complete with a basement nap zone and an ice cream parlor. But after Biden’s controversial pardon and abrupt decision to drop out of the 2024 race, the donor enthusiasm collapsed faster than a Biden for President Poll.
Plan B: Wheels Over Walls
Insiders say the library truck will feature all the classic hallmarks of Biden’s presidency, packed into a modest but highly portable form. The first draft of the truck’s itinerary promises to bring "Biden history" to the people, with stops planned in Scranton, Delaware, and, of course, every Dairy Queen in between.
Highlights from the Biden Library on Wheels include:
The Hunter Biden Laptop Exhibit: A heavily redacted, “kid-friendly” PowerPoint summarizing why “it’s time to move on.”
The Ice Cream Cone Archive: A tribute to every flavor Joe has ever enjoyed, including the infamous “No Malarkey Mint.”
Corn Pop: A Multimedia Experience: A holographic reenactment of Joe’s showdown with the legendary Corn Pop, complete with a pool chain exhibit.
Hair-Sniffing Hall of Fame: A sensory exhibit featuring lifelike mannequins, complete with wigs for patrons to smell while calming elevator music plays in the background. Audio clips of Biden saying, “You smell terrific!” will loop as visitors awkwardly shuffle through.
Critics have noted the irony of the library truck's reliance on gas-powered engines given Biden's climate policies. However, White House insiders reassured the public that the truck “runs on both hope and a faint sense of nostalgia.”
Democrats Jump Ship (and Funding)
While the mobile library is undoubtedly a creative solution, the move comes amidst mounting criticism from senior Democrats. Representative Adam Schiff who expressed his disappointment, saying, “I was prepared to fund a library, not a traveling circus. But hey, it’s 2024—why stop the clown car now?”
Colorado Governor Jared Polis remarked, “This is a low point for presidential legacy projects. Even Herbert Hoover got a building. Biden’s over here slapping books on a mobile home and calling it a day.”
What’s Next for the Biden Legacy?
President Biden, ever the optimist, is said to be fully on board with the library truck idea. “Folks, here’s the deal,” he explained in a recent speech, leaning into the podium. “Libraries don’t have to be big, they just have to move. Like democracy. Like trains. Like… uh… what was I saying?”
Despite the backlash, Biden’s team is reportedly considering a naming contest for the library truck. Early frontrunners include "Malarkey Mobile," "The Big Guy Bookmobile," and "Pardon Wagon."
Whether this rolling repository of Biden history will win over the hearts of Americans remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: this may be the most literal interpretation of “mobile democracy” we’ve ever seen. Keep an eye out for the Biden Library on Wheels—you’ll recognize it by the “I Brake for Ice Cream” bumper sticker and the faint scent of scandal wafting from its exhaust pipe.
Disclaimer
First and foremost, this article is a parody. It’s satire, folks— so don’t be expecting to see the Biden Library on Wheels in a parking lot nearby. Any resemblance to real events, living or otherwise, is purely coincidental (and hilariously unfortunate).
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