The Biden-Harris Tax Dollar Efficiency Plan: spending billions to prove we’re great at losing things.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented move to tackle inflation and show the American people how serious it is about fiscal responsibility, the Biden administration announced a groundbreaking strategy: lose as much taxpayer money as possible, and as quickly as possible.
The administration’s efforts, which many are calling the "Great Vanishing Act," include a series of genius-level financial decisions designed to make even the most irresponsible college freshman with a credit card look like a budget guru.
Mail Trucks on the Fritz
First on the agenda is the $3 billion allocated to build 60,000 electric mail trucks to help the USPS go green. However, instead of rolling out a fleet of shiny new vehicles, the administration has so far managed to deliver just 93 trucks. That’s right—93. At this rate, the fleet will be fully operational around the time we colonize Mars. When asked about the discrepancy, the White House Press Secretary explained, “It’s important to prioritize quality over quantity. Besides, we’re pretty sure some of the trucks are parked somewhere… or on backorder. Maybe both.”
The Wall That Keeps Falling
Next on the list of fiscal fireworks is the auctioning of 20 tons of border wall steel, originally funded by taxpayers to secure the border. The steel, valued at millions, was sold for just $5—roughly the price of a Pumpkin Spice Latte. “We thought about keeping it, but we needed the storage space for more unused COVID test kits,” said a senior Biden official. “Plus, think of all the trees we saved by not building a wall.”
Kamala’s Wi-Fi Black Hole
Back in 2021, President Biden handed Kamala the keys to a shiny new $42 billion broadband expansion plan. Her mission? To connect millions of homes and businesses to high-speed internet. Fast forward over 1,000 days, and guess how many homes are connected? Zilch. Zero. Nada. In fact, if you’re trying to get on Wi-Fi right now and it’s slow, you might be standing in the shadow of Kamala’s success.
When asked about the delay, Kamala offered an inspiring explanation: “Broadband is about connection. And connection is about broad things… and bands... of people. So really, we’re already connected… spiritually.”
The Case of the Missing Billions
The administration’s foreign policy spending is equally groundbreaking. In a stunning revelation, the White House admitted it sent $6.2 billion to Ukraine but, unfortunately, “can’t track it.” Rumors suggest the funds may have been lost in the same magical place where socks from the dryer go and where your other AirPod is hiding. Treasury officials have assured Americans that the money was “probably used for something important” and are considering creating a GoFundMe page to recover the losses.
Not to be outdone, the Pentagon recently announced it also can’t account for $2.3 trillion in military spending. “Trillion, billion—it’s just a typo, folks,” said a defense spokesperson. “The important thing is we still have tanks. Somewhere.”
Pandemic Spending—A Masterpiece in Disorganization
And who could forget the U.S. Treasury, which proudly admitted it lost track of a whopping $5 trillion in pandemic spending? To put that into perspective, that’s enough money to buy every American household a Tesla… or at least pay for the therapy sessions we’ll need after enduring this economy.
Taxes: The Cherry on Top
To finance this financial wizardry, the administration has generously decided to raise taxes on hardworking Americans. “The rich aren’t paying their fair share,” Biden explained in a recent press conference, before clarifying that “rich” includes anyone with a job, a savings account, or the ability to afford name-brand cereal.
A Nation of Optimists
Economists have been puzzled by skyrocketing inflation, but the administration has cracked the code. “It’s simple,” Biden’s economic advisor said. “If you lose enough money, it disappears from the economy entirely. Inflation is just an illusion!”
A Nation of Optimists
Despite the chaos, Americans remain resilient. As one taxpayer quipped, “At least we’re not Canada. Oh wait, Canada probably got some of that $6.2 billion we lost.”
Stay tuned for more updates from the Biden-Harris administration, where every dollar is spent like it’s the last—and at this rate, it might be.
Disclaimer:
This article represents just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the Biden administration’s creative use of taxpayer dollars. We didn’t even dive into the billions recently gifted to other countries, such as Africa, while hurricane victims, homeless Americans, and veterans seem to have been conveniently left off the “to-help” list. It’s almost as if the administration is playing a global game of Monopoly—only we’re the ones paying the luxury tax.
And as for President Biden… well, let’s just say his fiscal strategy might be easier to follow if he could remember where he put the map.
Remember: government spending is a tax on every American "Keep your eye on one thing and one thing only: how much government is spending, because that’s the true tax.... If you’re not paying for it in the form of explicit taxes, you’re paying for it indirectly in the form of inflation or in the form of borrowing.” - Milton Friedman
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