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AOC’s Coffee Catastrophe: Saving Your Starbucks Latte, One Criminal at a Time

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

AOC’s economic policy: no criminal left behind, no latte left un-foamed.

Colombian President Petro Declares Starbucks a Protected National Treasure.
Colombian President Petro Declares Starbucks a Protected National Treasure.

In the ever-entertaining saga of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) vs. Common Sense, the congresswoman has once again found a hill to die on—and it’s made entirely of overpriced coffee grounds. Her recent comments about Donald Trump’s tariff feud with Colombian President Gustavo Petro have left many Americans choking on their morning brew, but not from the price hike she predicted. No, it’s the sheer absurdity of her priorities that’s causing spit takes nationwide.


It all began when Trump, in his no-nonsense way, decided to deal with Colombia’s refusal to accept deportation flights by threatening tariffs, visa revocations, and a travel ban on Colombian officials. For most Americans, this might sound like a strong stance against harboring criminals, especially ones convicted of heinous crimes like murder, rape, and child molestation. But for AOC, this wasn’t a win for national safety—it was a brewing crisis for Starbucks aficionados.


Taking to social media, AOC lamented, “To punish Colombia, Trump is about to make every American pay even more for coffee.” She then doubled down, claiming, “Trump is all about making inflation WORSE for working-class Americans, not better. He’s lining the pockets of himself and the billionaire class.”


Because, you know, when faced with the choice between protecting American families from violent offenders and ensuring that Karen from accounting can afford her caramel macchiato, AOC is firmly Team Macchiato.


Priorities, Priorities


While most of us were celebrating Colombia’s eventual capitulation—complete with President Petro offering to personally send a plane to pick up their wayward criminals—AOC was still clutching her reusable Starbucks cup in despair. One can only imagine the horror she must have felt knowing that the price of her double-foam, soy-latte-with-a-splash-of-vanilla could have gone up by a whopping 25 cents.


Forget about the families of murder victims. Forget about the children preyed upon by pedophiles. No, the real tragedy here, folks, is that Becky might have to downgrade from her usual venti latte to a grande. Truly, a dystopian future.


The Petro-AOC Bromance


In a move that surprised absolutely no one, Gustavo Petro—fresh off his spat with Trump—shared AOC’s post on his own social media account. Because nothing says “strong leadership” like reposting the words of a politician who famously suggested that banning gas stoves would save the planet.


But don’t worry, Petro quickly realized he wasn’t exactly in a position to play hardball with Trump. Within days, he caved and not only agreed to take back the deportees but even offered to foot the bill for their travel. It was a stunning win for Trump, America, and, ironically, Colombia’s frequent flyer program.


AOC’s Brew-tiful Logic


What makes this saga truly comedic is AOC’s ability to reduce every geopolitical situation to a matter of feelings and frappuccinos. Her logic seems to go something like this:


  1. Deporting criminals = Bad.

  2. Tariffs on Colombian coffee = Worse.

  3. Americans living in fear of violent offenders = Acceptable, as long as your pumpkin spice latte stays affordable.


It’s the kind of logic that makes you wonder if AOC secretly moonlights as a barista and just doesn’t want to lose her employee discount.


Final Sip


In the end, AOC’s comments have served as a reminder that her political philosophy is as frothy and unsubstantial as the foam on a latte. While Trump was busy ensuring that dangerous criminals were sent back to where they came from, AOC was busy ensuring that her constituents could still enjoy their overpriced caffeine fixes.


But here’s the real punchline: thanks to Trump’s actions, the price of coffee didn’t go up after all. So the next time AOC takes to social media to decry the supposed suffering of the working class, maybe she should consider this: safety, not Starbucks, is what most Americans care about.


And as for her concerns about inflation? Let’s just say there’s one thing that never inflates: AOC's grasp on common sense.

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