Mom's secret recipe this year? Whatever was on sale.
In the heartland of America, families gather around the dinner table. The centerpiece? A glistening loaf of Spam, gently seared and strategically garnished with parsley to give it that “I-totally-tried” vibe. This year, thanks to the Biden-Harris economy, the traditional turkey was replaced by something that better fit the new normal: canned luncheon meat.
A recent report by the Institute of Completely Obvious Observations (ICOO) revealed that Spam topped the charts as America’s #1 main course this Thanksgiving. Forget turkey and ham, folks—processed pork parts are in! Right behind Spam on the grocery list? Ramen noodles, which claimed the #2 spot for their versatility as both a side dish and an appetizer. Americans have learned to embrace their creativity, mixing Ramen packets for a culinary masterpiece that food bloggers are calling “Fusion Cuisine on a Budget.”
The Great Pumpkin Pie Substitution
Dessert also took a hit this year. With pumpkin pie prices skyrocketing faster than approval ratings in a political rally, Americans had to improvise. Enter the new favorite: “Toast Tarts,” or as the kids call them, off-brand Pop-Tarts. Available in bulk and in every flavor that vaguely tastes like sadness, they’ve become the perfect budget-friendly ending to an economic feast.
“Nothing says ‘Happy Holidays’ like a slightly toasted, strawberry-adjacent dessert pastry,” said Sheila, a mother of three from Ohio. “We even wrote ‘Thankful’ in frosting on top for a festive touch. Of course, the frosting tube was half-empty because we used the other half on the Ramen salad.”
Washing It All Down: The Beverage of Champions
As for beverages, the top drink this year wasn’t apple cider or mulled wine. Nope—it was caffeine-free tap water. “We splurged on ice cubes to make it extra fancy,” said Jerry from Nebraska. “My wife even broke out the good cups—red Solo, of course.”
Americans have learned to make do in creative ways this year. “We’re not drinking to celebrate; we’re drinking to forget,” joked one dad as he sipped from a mug labeled World’s Okayest Provider.
Santa’s New Gift Bag: Paying Bills
Looking ahead to the Christmas season, economists predict that Santa’s sleigh will be packed with the hottest gifts of 2024: prepaid utility bills and partial credit card payments. Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like keeping the lights on.
“We’re asking for practical gifts this year,” said Kevin, a father of four. “My kids wrote letters to Santa asking for Wi-Fi that doesn’t cut out and gas money to visit Grandma. They’re getting really creative!”
And who could forget stocking stuffers? Batteries for the TV remote are a premium this year, and don’t be surprised if you find coupon books for “One Free Hug” under the tree. Even Santa himself seems to be cutting back. When asked how he’s managing in the Biden-Harris economy, Kris Kringle quipped, “The elves unionized last year, so I’ve been outsourcing to Amazon.”
Finding Gratitude in the Struggle
Despite the tough times, Americans are finding joy in the little things. “It’s not about what’s on the table, it’s about who’s around it,” said Grandma Millie, who proudly showed off her Spam carving skills. “Sure, we’re eating like college students on finals week, but at least we’re together.”
And so, as families gather around their tables this holiday season, let us all remember the true spirit of the holidays: making the best out of whatever you’ve got, even if what you’ve got is a heaping plate of powdered mashed potatoes.
Because in the Biden-Harris economy, laughter—and a little creativity—might just be the best dish of all.
Let us not forget, it's not about what’s on the table, but who’s around it! Happy Holidays from all of us at the Elephants Den.
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