Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) released his annual Festivus report. The 2023 edition provides details about government waste and how the government has managed to spend billions of tax payer dollars on "pet" projects This year’s Festivus Report is a gift to anyone tired of watching the government burn through taxpayer dollars faster than a teenager with their first credit card.
The numbers are staggering. In 2023, the national debt ballooned from $30 trillion to nearly $34 trillion, and we’re not slowing down. Thanks to Congress raising the debt ceiling, the government now has a blank check to borrow as much as it wants for at least another year. Meanwhile, inflation has soared, interest rates are crippling, and American taxpayers are left holding the bag as we borrow over $5 billion in debt every single day. That’s $60,000 every second—just enough time to blink and watch your wallet empty.
What do we get for all this reckless spending? Glad you asked. In true Festivus fashion, let’s air some grievances:
The Treadmill Cats of Moscow
Let’s kick things off with a cool $900,000 of your tax dollars going to study Russian cats walking on a treadmill. Because if there’s one thing standing between us and world peace, it’s not nuclear arms—it’s Russian cats getting their steps in. Meanwhile, your vet charges you $50 just to look at your dog, but apparently, when it’s a cat in a lab, that treadmill budget is a national priority.
Barbie: The New National ID
Remember those tiny, plastic dolls you threw in the toy box? Well, it turns out they’ve been busy—serving as proof of ID for receiving COVID Paycheck Protection Program funds. Yes, you heard that right. Move over, Social Security numbers, the real heroes are Barbie and Ken. Who needs a government-issued ID when you can just bring along Malibu Barbie to the bank?
$6 Million to Promote Tourism... in Egypt?
Americans are struggling to afford groceries, but don’t worry—your tax dollars are hard at work promoting tourism in Egypt. Because who doesn’t want to fly halfway across the world, pay for overpriced camel rides, and get sunburned while gazing at pyramids? It’s like someone thought, “Hey, what if we used our tax revenue to help the Egyptian tourism board?” It’s unclear how that benefits the average American, but at least Egypt is having a good time.
Rockstar Relief: A New Kind of Aid
And if you thought cats on treadmills and Barbies weren’t enough, get ready for this: the government generously handed out $200 million to "struggling artists" like Post Malone, Chris Brown, and Lil Wayne. Because apparently, these multimillionaire rockstars and rappers desperately needed a little taxpayer-funded pick-me-up. After all, how else could they afford their next yacht or custom grill? It’s comforting to know that while Americans are struggling with inflation and rising interest rates, at least Lil Wayne can keep his bling game strong thanks to Uncle Sam's deep pockets.
Foreign Aid Frenzy
And then there’s foreign aid, where Uncle Sam hands out cash like it’s Halloween candy. Ukraine leads the charge, with a whopping $16.4 billion, followed by Israel, Ethiopia, Jordan, and Egypt. Afghanistan received $1.19 billion from the U.S. in 2023, even though the Taliban is running the show there. You know, the same Taliban that inherited billions in U.S. military equipment after the Biden-Harris administration’s hasty withdrawal. Seems only fair we send them some cash too, right?
Meanwhile, Somalia—home to Ilhan Omar and a thriving Islamic insurgency—raked in over $1 billion. And Yemen? More than $1 billion to help prop up a government that Saudi Arabia already supports. Because if there’s one thing the Saudis need, it’s our money to fight their battles. You’ve got to love the logic here: “Let’s send billions to nations who hate us, so they can keep fighting wars we aren’t even part of!”
Spending on Immigration: A Priceless Burden
The price tag on the Biden-Harris border crisis? $150 billion in 2023 alone. State and local governments, who can't print money like the feds, are forced to raise taxes or cut services to balance their budgets. And while American citizens are getting squeezed, illegal immigrants enjoy free food, shelter, and medical care. All this while veterans—the ones who served this country—got a mere $3 billion in comparison. That’s not just absurd; it’s downright criminal.
The Real Cost: $2 Trillion a Year for the Next Decade
As if this wasn’t enough, the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) predicts the federal government will add an average of $2 trillion in debt annually for the next decade. That’s more than $200 million an hour, or $3 million every minute. It’s enough to make your head spin faster than those Russian treadmill cats.
A Final Word: Festivus or Fiscal Madness?
So here we are, celebrating another year of fiscal insanity. As the national debt balloons and our wallets shrink, the government spends like a kid who found the key to the candy store. Whether it’s cats on treadmills, Barbies doubling as IDs, or billions in foreign aid, the message is clear: Congress is having a party, and we’re stuck with the bill.
Happy Festivus, America! May your grievances be aired, and may your taxpayer dollars not be wasted on next year’s feline fitness program.
Disclaimer:
Warning: Reading this article may cause spontaneous eye-rolling, uncontrollable laughter, or sudden urges to audit Congress. Side effects may include questioning your life choices and wondering if your cat can get a government grant for treadmill time. If you experience any feelings of fiscal responsibility, please consult your local representative—although we can’t promise they’ll listen.
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