PARODY: A Woke Glossary of Terms: The Unofficial Guide to Being Outraged

2024 Woke Championship where feelings are greater than facts

In today's comedy corner, we're diving into the linguistic labyrinth of the Woke generation. Buckle up, because you're about to learn some new definitions you won't find in Webster's!

"Transphobic, sexist, homophobic," these are not just adjectives anymore; they're badges of honor for anyone daring to question the status quo. But before you get offended, remember, the folks slinging these terms are the same scholars who've miraculously discovered that men can have babies. And hey, if a man does have a baby, can we agree that's a man worth listening to?

In the ring of public opinion, if you dare ask, "What is a woman?" prepare to be crowned with the glittering tiara of "bigotry." But worry not, because the answer will be determined by the next trending hashtag.

And let's talk about tolerance, the most flexible term in the Woke dictionary. It stretches just far enough to wrap around their own ideas but snaps back when it meets resistance. Cancel culture? That's just an aggressive game of "Who's the Most Woke?" with losers getting a time-out from society.

Now, if you've been branded a "MAGA supporter" for simply sporting a red hat (it was cold, okay?), take a deep breath. These are the same folks who see fascism in every "wrong" opinion but practice a peculiar form of peace-loving authoritarianism—like a bear hug... with an actual bear.

On the topic of age: "Eighteen's too young for a firearm, but eight's just right to pick your gender." They say it's never too early to mutilate yourself, unless "yourself" wants to practice the Second Amendment before the third decade.

The gospel according to these modern-day prophets comes straight from the scripture of mainstream media and the Book of Google. After all, who needs ancient texts when you've got a 24/7 news cycle?

Lastly, words. Who knew they were so dangerous? Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can apparently launch full-scale psychological warfare. So, when faced with verbal onslaught, remember: they're just sounds made by breath and vocal cords—unless they're in all caps on Twitter, then they might as well be the Ten Commandments.

So next time you're called a "hater," smile and remember: the source is as reliable as a chocolate teapot. And in the great words of a Woke philosopher: "I'm offended that you're offended by my offensive offense."