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Writer's pictureThe Elephant

2024 Presidential Debate: Professional Analysis


What happens when you give a seasoned politician the debate questions ahead of time? According to the latest presidential debate, not much! Picture this: a historic moment in American politics turned into a scene from “Grumpy Old Men” with Joe Biden and Donald Trump duking it out, each trying to out-boast the other.


The much-anticipated debate between President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump was less of a sophisticated discourse and more of a chaotic display of senior citizen shenanigans. Forget policy details and visionary leadership—this was a comedy special, starring two geriatric gladiators with more bravado than substance.


Rumor has it that Biden received the debate questions days before the event. One would assume that this insider advantage would propel him to stellar performance, right? Well, hold onto your trunks, folks, because this story takes a hilariously unexpected turn!


First, let’s set the stage. The debate began without the traditional handshakes. Both candidates stayed firmly on their sides of the stage, perhaps wary of the whole "personal space" concept. It was a socially distanced duel, fitting for the times but lacking the physicality of old-school politicking.


From the get-go, it was clear that Biden’s pre-debate preparations might have involved more napping than studying. Question after question, Biden stumbled, mumbled, and occasionally wandered off into tangents about his Scranton days, his love for ice cream, and how he once challenged a local bully named Corn Pop to a duel.


Trump, never one to miss a beat, capitalized on Biden’s befuddlement. "Did someone forget to update Joe’s cheat sheet?" Trump quipped, as Biden tried to recall the third point of his economic plan, ultimately settling on something about "building back better with a dash of hope and a sprinkle of dreams."


The real showstopper, however, was Biden’s response to the question about foreign policy. Despite having the question in advance, Biden managed to confuse Ukraine with Utah and NATO with a "nifty alliance of taco owners." Somewhere, an intern was frantically trying to correct what Joe was saying on the hidden ear piece.


Biden’s performance begged the question: Was he actually given the answers beforehand, or was he just that committed to his method-acting role as a confused senior? It was a tragicomedy unfolding in real-time. His answers were like a bad improv show—unpredictable and awkwardly hilarious.


As the debate wore on, Trump took every opportunity to highlight Biden’s blunders. “Joe, you had the questions in advance! It’s like studying for an open-book test and still getting all the answers wrong!” Trump exclaimed, earning a roar of laughter from... well, no one, because there was no audience.


In a desperate attempt to regain control, Biden pulled out a well-worn note card from his pocket, only to realize it was his grocery list. “Bananas, oatmeal, prune juice,” he read aloud, before hastily shoving it back into his pocket.


The closing statements were the icing on this farcical cake. Biden, with a bewildered expression, earnestly thanked the “fine people of Kalamazoo” despite being in Atlanta, Ga. Trump, on the other hand, wrapped up with a bold declaration that he won the debate “bigly,” while Biden’s performance could only be described as a “yuge” missed opportunity.


In the end, the debate wasn’t about who had the better policies, but who could provide the most comedic relief. Joe Biden’s advanced screening of the questions turned out to be a spectacular flop, providing endless fodder for late-night comedians and political satirists alike.


So, as America gears up for the next round of debates, let’s hope Biden’s team invests in a better study guide, or at least a more accurate grocery list. Because if this debate proved anything, it’s that even with a head start, sometimes you can still end up hilariously behind.


Disclaimer: If you think the facts and figures in this article are real, then I've got an inflatable dartboard to sell you! This is pure parody, folks. Any resemblance to real people, events, or ideas is purely coincidental... and absolutely hilarious. Enjoy the absurdity!



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