Who knew the quickest way to clear a sanctuary state was to pull the plug on free Netflix accounts?

Boston, MA – In what critics are calling “the most effective government initiative since the moon landing” and supporters are calling “common sense on steroids,” Donald Trump and newly-appointed Immigration Czar Tom Homan announced the launch of Operation Adiós Amigos on Tuesday. The revolutionary immigration reform plan, which hinges entirely on eliminating the smorgasbord of free benefits provided to undocumented immigrants under the Biden administration, has already sent over 2.5 million immigrants sprinting for the southern border.
Trump, speaking from a podium adorned with the slogan “No Free Ride, No Free Lunch”, declared, “We’re not deporting anyone, okay? No one. We’re just shutting off the gravy train. And guess what? It turns out, when the free stuff stops, people go home. Who knew? I knew. Everyone knows I knew.”
Homan, grinning like a proud chef unveiling a new recipe, chimed in: “We’re not forcing anyone to leave; we’re just creating voluntary exportation. If you take away the free phones, free housing, and free healthcare, people suddenly remember they left the oven on back home.”
The Massachusetts Experiment: A Floodgate Opens
The initiative’s pilot program, launched in Massachusetts—a state that has proudly declared itself a sanctuary for all things illegal—was nothing short of catastrophic for those clinging to Biden’s utopia. Within hours of announcing that public benefits were being replaced with something called earn your own way, bus stations were overflowing, airports were jammed, and border crossings into Mexico resembled a Black Friday sale at Walmart.
One local activist, wearing a “No Borders, No Nations” T-shirt, looked on in horror. “This is inhumane,” she said. “If we don’t give them free stuff, they might have to, you know, work.” When asked if she herself would volunteer to take on the jobs abandoned by fleeing immigrants, she responded, “I would, but I have a Pilates class.”
The Program’s Key Features
Under Operation Adiós Amigos, immigrants were politely informed that:
1. Free smartphones would be replaced with Nokia flip phones from 2004.
2. Section 8 housing would be converted into Airbnb rentals for struggling Americans.
3. All food assistance programs would require proof of citizenship or participation in a community garden.
4. Public schools would no longer offer bilingual education but instead immersive classes on how to pronounce "Massachusetts."
5. Free healthcare would now consist of a brochure on “How to Use Essential Oils to Cure Everything.”
As the freebies vanished, immigrants reportedly turned to each other in disbelief. One individual, loading his belongings into a pickup truck headed for Tijuana, was overheard muttering, “They didn’t even let me keep the free Biden welcome bag. It had avocado toast coupons!”
The Reactions
While progressive leaders condemned the program as “cold-hearted” and “an affront to human decency,” regular Americans across the country began asking one question: Why didn’t we think of this sooner?
“I haven’t seen this many people leave a party since my mother-in-law brought her tofu casserole to Thanksgiving,” said one Massachusetts resident.
Others pointed out the irony of immigrants self-deporting to Mexico, where they claim life is now cheaper, safer, and “less woke.” Reports indicate that some families were greeted back home with mariachi bands and street parties, which, ironically, were funded by remittances sent from America during their stay.
To further encourage voluntary exportation, Homan introduced an “exit incentive program” featuring discounted one-way Greyhound tickets and complimentary bottles of Trump-branded water for the road. “It’s all about customer service,” Homan explained. “We’re not monsters. We’re just giving them a little nudge—out the door.”
The program even includes a creative use of AI, sending personalized text messages to immigrants with helpful travel tips. One text read: “Dear Juan, the weather in Guadalajara is beautiful this time of year. Why not head back for a visit? Signed, Uncle Sam.”
Trump’s Victory Lap
Taking a victory lap, Trump called Operation Adiós Amigos “the biggest win for America since we got rid of Rosie O’Donnell on The Apprentice.” He also took the opportunity to rib Biden, claiming, “They said building a wall was too expensive. Guess what’s cheaper? Cutting off the free stuff. And it works faster than Hunter on a laptop.”
The Fallout
Meanwhile, Democratic leaders scrambled to denounce the program. Kamala Harris, standing next to an empty field she claimed was the “root cause” of immigration, tearfully declared, “We can’t let people leave! Who’s going to vote for us?”
However, many critics were at a loss for how to counter the program’s resounding success. Even CNN, which referred to the initiative as “problematic,” had to admit that Operation Adiós Amigos had, in their words, “succeeded in reducing illegal immigration by approximately all of it.”
The Future of Immigration Policy
As Massachusetts officials consider turning abandoned neighborhoods into affordable housing for American veterans, Trump teased a sequel to the program, tentatively titled Operation Back to Work, aimed at encouraging U.S. citizens to take jobs previously filled by immigrants. “Americans need to get off their couches and onto their tractors,” Trump said. “We’ll make it great again, one job at a time.”
With Homan’s plan rolling out nationwide next month, one thing is clear: Operation Adiós Amigos isn’t just a policy; it’s a movement. Or as Trump summed it up: “It’s like a reverse caravan. You love to see it.”
Stay tuned for updates as America embarks on its boldest social experiment yet: proving that nothing motivates like the absence of free stuff.
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